Anyone got any jokes?

[cj121]

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

[cohibaIV]

:rock: Cut and paste mate...:rock:

LOL:smoke:

[cj121]

:rock: Cut and paste mate...:rock:

LOL:smoke:

More like scratch n sniff:p

[Robusto]

Standards are rising in education.

[cj121]

Standards are rising in education.

:biggrin1::biggrin1::biggrin1:

[cohibaIV]

CHOKING ON A COIN

A man walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 10 pence coin in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.
He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper, sipping a cup of coffee and smoking a cigar. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, puts his cigar in the ashtray, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market.
Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.
The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As the man is about to leave, the father asks one last question:
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?" "Oh, good heavens, no", the man replies, "I work for the IRS."

[cohibaIV]

ITS A MAN'S WORLD

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientist have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mothers-in-law.

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:"Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine."

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wishes, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a minute and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and then beat me half to death."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

[Big J]

A sex professor asks, do you know what your asshole is doin while you are havin an orgasm? Woman replies "probably drinking beer with his friends"

[rhashley]

did you hear the one about the lifts (or elevators for US friends)...


It works on so many levels

[MoaningM]

A man meets a woman at a party - she introduces herself, "Hi, my name is Carmen.

I decided to change my name to the two things I love most in life - Cars and Men, hence the name, Carmen. What's your name?"

Without missing a beat, he replies, "B.J. TitsGolfCigars"

*badump chink!* ;)

[Boss Hog]

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu

[MoaningM]

This isn't a joke as such but occurred last week while I was driving to work

Was listening to the radio while travelling in the car the other day, sports station was on and they had a compeition a nearest the pin so to speak between these two guys who had rung in. The question was

"How long in centimetres is the reach of Russian boxing giant Nikolai Valuev nearest to his reach wins the prize'

Long pause first answer

"630"

The two guys hosting the show start to laugh "let me just check that answer you said 630?"

"yes"

"ok then ...." desperately surpressing their laughter over to our next contestant, what do you think it is more or less than 630?

"ummmmmmm....................631 centimetres"

everyone in the radio station burst into laughter..........classic, i almost crashed the car..... laughing

[rokkitsci]

An Italian, a Frenchman, and a Pollack are walking down a country lane. They hear a bleating noise and -- sure enough -- come upon a sheep that had gotten its head lodged between two pickets of a fence.

The Italian looks at the sheep and says, "I'm-a wish-a dis-a was-a Gina Lolabrigida. I'm-a go up behind-a her and woo woo woo we hav-a some fun-a."

The Frenchman looks over at the sheep and says, "I weesh zees waz Brigitte Bardot. I wood mak mad passionate amour weez her long eento ze naht."

The Pollack looks at the sheep and says, "Hmmm. I wish it was dark."

<rimshot>

[the mothman]

Paddy goes into PC World looking for curtains for his PC. The assistant says "you dont need curtains for a computer!", Paddy says," HELLOOO! It's got fucking WINDOWS!".


A soldier asks a nun " can I hide under your habit? Were off to Afghanistan and I dont want to go". After a while he emerges. "Hope you dont mind me saying but you have a nice pair of legs". The nun replies, "look higher and you'll see a nice pair of balls... I dont want to go either!".

[daverave999]

I had a similar experience to MoaningM.

Someone came in and asked for a box to post something in. When asked what size they replied
"about 400 by 400 by 400"
to which the guy asked in all seriousness
"centimetres or millimetres?"
:doh:

[Simon-JG-hr]

Not so much a joke but a YouTube clip. Very Bird and Fortune, and extremely funny.

Trust the Aussies...

The Front Fell Off (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcU4t6zRAKg&feature=fvw)

[Boss Hog]

News Flash.........

The makers of Tampax are to release a limited edition product which has seasonal messages printed on them, these will only be available during the festive period.

[Deano]

lol deary me where do they find 'em

[Boss Hog]

lol deary me where do they find 'em

Well I could tell you where to find 'em, if you really wanna look? :puke:

:marchmellow:

[Deano]

Nah, I enjoy 'em on here!

[daverave999]

A farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field of dildos.

Unfortunately he's having some trouble with squatters.

[Robusto]

:biggrin1::biggrin1::biggrin1:

[Robusto]

THIS IS DOING THE ROUNDS ON THE WEB.
APOLOGIES IF YOU'VE SEEN IT BEFORE.

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
They are very small ducks.
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
Helen

[the mothman]

I went to see the nurse for my health check this morning.
She said "I think you should stop wanking!"
I asked "Why?"
She said "Because I'm trying to examine you!". :biggrin1:

[the mothman]

Mick is in court for a double murder. The judge says " you are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer," a man at the back of courtroom yells out "C?NT. the room goes silent, the judge continues " you are also charged with beating your wifes lover to death with a hammer". Again the man at the back yell out " you fucking C?NT!".
The Judge having enough, looks at the man and says " Sir I can understand your anger at this crime but will have no more outbursts, if you have anything to say then say it now".
The man gets up and says " For 15 years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked for a fucking hammer he said he didnt have one !!!". :biggrin1:

[daverave999]

http://www.27bslash6.com/p2p.html

Not a joke I know but REALLY cracked me up.

[HabanoSy]

Man goes home from the pub drunk as a skunk with sick all down his jumper...

Upon seeing her husband the wife goes into a rage and says 'that's it, if you come home one more time pissed as a fart with sick all down yourself - im leaving'.

Next night the man goes down the pub and gets pie eyed once more and then promptly throws up all over himself. The man turns to the landlord and says 'Oh shit, I can't go home looking like this the wife's gonna leave me'.

'Easy', the landlord says 'just show her twenty pounds and explain that it wasn't you and on your way home you bumped into a drunk who unfortunately hurled all over you, feeling ashamed they offered you twenty ppounds for the cleaning bill'.

'Brilliant', the man says and promptly departs to make his way home.

Upon his arrival his wife shouts 'right, that's it, im off'.

'NO wait' the man shouts waving the money in the air, 'I can explain' he goes on to tell the tale of bumping into a drunk who accidently boffed up all over him.

The mans wife dubious and unbelieving, says 'you said the man gave you twenty pounds for puking on you, then WHY are you holding up forty pounds?'.

'Ah' the man says, 'the other twenty is from the guy who accidently shat in my pants...!!!'

Cheers, HabanoSy

[saggel]

Petros was a Greek immigrant man who had worked all his of life, had saved all of his money and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his Greek wife... "Voula, when I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me."

And so he persuaded Voula to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him. Well, he died. Petros was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting thereμ dressed in black, (what else) and her best friend Tasia, was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"

Voula put a small metal box into the casket. Then the undertaker locked the casket down and they rolled it away... So her friend said, "Voula!, I know you weren't foolish enough to put all that money in there with him!."

"Listen" Voula said, "I'm a Greek Orthodox wife & I cannot go back on my word. I promised Petros that I was going to put that money in the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

[Morris]

Which one is the odd one out: A banana, a strawberry or a poo?





A banana, its the only one you have to peel before you can eat it.

[rokkitsci]

Which one is the odd one out: A banana, a strawberry or a poo?





A banana, its the only one you have to peel before you can eat it.

What do an orange and spinach have in common?

Yes? You with the three-legged llama. What's that you say? No. That's not right. They are not both things that you would shove up your nose on St. Swithin's Day.

Anyone else?

Come on. Think about it.

Give up?

Right then.

What do an orange and spinach have in common? They're both orange.



.




.





.




.


.

Except for the spinach.

<rimshot> (http://instantrimshot.com/rimshot.swf)

[tippexx]

What do an orange and spinach have in common? They're both orange.



.




.





.




.


.

Except for the spinach.

<rimshot> (http://instantrimshot.com/rimshot.swf)


Is that going in ..... or coming out Rok?

[Lionhound]

Sad, unhealthy looking Scotsman walks into pub. He asks the barman for a pint of guinness and 6 double whiskys. The barman starts off the pint then begins pouring the whiskys. By the time he finishes pouring the pint and puts it on the bar the man is downing the last double whisky. "Steady on mate" he says in a concerned manner "you'll make yourself unwell drinking like that". The guy looks at him sadly and picks up the pint "son" he says, "if you had what I've got, you'd be knocking them back too". The barman looks embarrassed "sorry, i didn't realise" he said, "what have you got". The man looks at him dejectedly, downs the pint and says"son I've got £1." And then does a runner.

[the mothman]

What to do on a plane if the passenger next to you is irritating you


<LI class=ecxMsoNormal>Remove your lap top from its bag <LI class=ecxMsoNormal>Open the laptop slowly and carefully <LI class=ecxMsoNormal>Turn on <LI class=ecxMsoNormal>Ensure the passenger next to you is watching <LI class=ecxMsoNormal>Connect to the Internet <LI class=ecxMsoNormal>Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze upwards to the sky as if in prayer <LI class=ecxMsoNormal>Take a deep breath and open this site http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html (http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html)
Turn and observe the facial expression of your neighbouring passenger

[EugeneSax]

http://i270.photobucket.com/albums/jj112/22grosvenor/America.jpg

[cohibaIV]

Bottle of Merlot
> >
> > A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
> > attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
> > So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the
> > gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a
> > nod of his head.
> > She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the
> > man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
> > The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from
> > her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
> >
> > The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
> > Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches
> > in your pants'.
> >
> >
> > After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
> > return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
> > to deliver it to the lady.
> >
> > It read:
> > 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I
> > have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo
> > in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami ,
> > and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million
> > dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as
> > beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine
> > back....
> >
> >
> > Tiger

[Robert747]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk,
he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you
selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

[Boss Hog]

A sixteen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished
man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000, 000 bank
account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."
At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:
"You'll f*ck her again, right!!!"

[cj121]

:biggrin1::biggrin1::biggrin1:

[jdawg]

:rofl:

[crslaytor]

"You'll f*ck her again, right!!!"
:smoke:
HAHAHHAHA

[Robert747]

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants,concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restauranlt. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that about the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[Lionhound]

What's green and sits in a cage?






A canary that's not ripe yet.

[Robert747]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue
needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best
friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything
together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him
over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't
Bubba.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in To
confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said,
'Yup,
he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over
and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two
assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' aske d the mortician.

Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba With
them two assholes.

[EugeneSax]

A bloke goes to the doctor complaining of sore bollocks.

After a minute or two of peering & prodding the doc looks up & says:

" Don't worry, there's nothing to be embarassed about, it's perfectly natural to get an erection during an examination like this."

"But doctor, I haven't got an erection" the patient replies.

"I know you haven't, I have."

I

[the mothman]

ALERT STATES

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

It's not only the English and Scots who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzingthe country's military capability.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy in the English Channel.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!", then "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[ChrisMClark]

Two birds sat on a perch, one say's to the other: 'can you smell fish?'

*groan*

I'll get my coat.

[the mothman]

I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.:mad: Just had one woman from the Sperm Bank, fuck me did I give her a mouthfull....:biggrin1:

[the mothman]

"Give it here"
"No its mine"
"Let me have it"
"Its my turn"
"You had it last fuck off"
"Come on, give me it"
"No way"...
.....
.....
Siamese twins having a wank......:biggrin1:

[ChrisMClark]

Fuckin' 'ell Mothy, you've got me in stitches :lol:

[Howling]

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"Sex!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel -- another female resident -- who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

[Howling]

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" but there was no answer from his new Pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:






"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f*****g shoes on!"

[Howling]

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

[crslaytor]

im putting my f. shoes on HAHAHAHHAHA :biggrin1::biggrin1::biggrin1:
NICE ONE!

[Howling]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.' God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

[Howling]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time .
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[Howling]

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know.

It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you' re a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you' re a pansy. If you work too hard ... there' s never any time for her. If you don' t work enough ..... you' re a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ..... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ...... it' s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... it' s sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ...... it' s male indifference. If you cry ... you' re a wimp. If you don' t ...... you' re an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her ....... you' re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she' s a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn' t enjoy ... that' s domination. If SHE asks you ... it' s a favour. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear .... you' re a pervert. If you don' t ... you' re gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you' re sexist.. If you don' t ... you' re unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ...... you' re vain. If you don' t ... you' re a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you' re after something. If you don' t ... you' re not thoughtful. If you' re proud of your achievements ... you' re full of yourself. If you don' t ... you' re not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she' s tired. If you have a headache ...... you don' t love her anymore. If you want it too often.... you' re oversexed.. If you don' t ... there must be someone else.

Why do men die first?


Because they want to.

[Howling]

:biggrin1:

[Lee Nub]

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know.

It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you' re a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you' re a pansy. If you work too hard ... there' s never any time for her. If you don' t work enough ..... you' re a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ..... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ...... it' s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... it' s sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ...... it' s male indifference. If you cry ... you' re a wimp. If you don' t ...... you' re an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her ....... you' re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she' s a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn' t enjoy ... that' s domination. If SHE asks you ... it' s a favour. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear .... you' re a pervert. If you don' t ... you' re gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you' re sexist.. If you don' t ... you' re unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ...... you' re vain. If you don' t ... you' re a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you' re after something. If you don' t ... you' re not thoughtful. If you' re proud of your achievements ... you' re full of yourself. If you don' t ... you' re not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she' s tired. If you have a headache ...... you don' t love her anymore. If you want it too often.... you' re oversexed.. If you don' t ... there must be someone else.

Why do men die first?


Because they want to.


LMFAO :biggrin1:

[Boss Hog]

:biggrin1:


That's so funny. must be a presidential perk.

[eggopp]

Jim's New Suit



The doctor said, "Jim, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The

bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare

condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the

pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the

pressure is to remove the testicles."

Jim was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live

for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife.



When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time

in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of

himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a

different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.



He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new

suit " He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."





The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said , "Let's see... size 44

long."



Jim laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"



"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.



Jim tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.



As Jim admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a

new shirt?"



Jim thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."



The salesman eyed Jim and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."





Jim was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?



" Been in the business 60 years."



Jim tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.



Jim walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How

about some new underwear?"



Jim thought for a moment and said, "Sure."



The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."



Jim laughed, "Ah ha! I got you , I've worn a size 34 since I was 18

years old."



The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would

press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one

hell of a headache."



New suit - £400

New shirt - £36

New underwear - £6

Second Opinion – PRICELESS

[cj121]

Some great stuff on here recently chaps:smoke:

[kingcohiba]

Jim's New Suit



The doctor said, "Jim, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The

bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare

condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the

pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the

pressure is to remove the testicles."

Jim was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live

for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife.



When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time

in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of

himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a

different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.



He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new

suit " He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."





The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said , "Let's see... size 44

long."



Jim laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"



"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.



Jim tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.



As Jim admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a

new shirt?"



Jim thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."



The salesman eyed Jim and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."





Jim was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?



" Been in the business 60 years."



Jim tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.



Jim walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How

about some new underwear?"



Jim thought for a moment and said, "Sure."



The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."



Jim laughed, "Ah ha! I got you , I've worn a size 34 since I was 18

years old."



The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would

press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one

hell of a headache."



New suit - £400

New shirt - £36

New underwear - £6

Second Opinion – PRICELESS


MAN! priceless is right! good one!

[the mothman]

Three men with speech impediments are in therapy. The therapist is blonde,petite and she is fit as fuck. She says " If you can tell me where you live without stuttering I'll suck your cock and you can shoot in my mouth"
The 1st one stammers "BBBBirmingham"... she moves on.
The 2nd one stammers "MMManchester"... she moves on.
The 3rd,named paddy, stands up composes himself and says "London" the therapist straight away gets his cock out and gives him the best blowjob he has ever had, and as he comes he sighs...."dddderry!!".:biggrin1:

[Pipe Dude]

IDIOT SIGHTINGS

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..."

We haven't used Sears repair since.

---

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I kn ow, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

---

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman , KS .

---

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City

---

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

---

The stop-light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS .

---

I attended a "good-bye" luncheon for an old and dear co-worker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that "deer-in-the-headlights" stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

---

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.

---

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS .

---

When I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL, I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge." He nodded his head and said "Cool!"

They walk among us... and they VOTE... and they REPRODUCE... LOOK OUT FOR THESE PEOPLE!

[Lee Nub]

Lol

[Lee Nub]

A science teacher asks her class - "Can you explain Relative Humidity"

Young boy answers - "Its the sweat that accumulates around your balls when your shagging your sister"

[the mothman]

Just heard from a dyslexic friend of mine that hes got OCD.
I told him "Im sorry to hear that"
"Its alright" he said "Ive got chips and mushy peas as well!".
___________________________

My mates just gone and got himself a new East European girlfriend but its taken her 5 days to hoover the house..........turns out shes a SLOVAK !
___________________________

I went to the doctors the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed but she said "dont worry Ive seen it all before. Just tell me whats the problem and Ill help you in anyway I can"
I said " I think my cock tastes funny....."
__________________________
My girlfriend just dumped me saying Im stupid and bigoted.
Thats not true, I am dyslexic, and I dont have big toes!.....

[eggopp]

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift...

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.....

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'




'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'




'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. ..




Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!




THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

[Boss Hog]

The average Icelandic cock size is 11".
The average Italian cock size 9".
The average American cock size 7"
The average British cock size 5".

THAT'S why mums go to ICELAND!

[snooky]

Ray Allen the ventriliguist died this week...... Lord Charles is speechless ! :biggrin1:

[Pipe Dude]

After a visit to a whorehouse, a man notices that he has got a swelling on his knob. When he visits the doctors, the doctor says,

'That's serious. You know how rugby players get cauliflower ear'.

'Yes', says the man, nervously ...

'Well', says the doc, 'you've got...















































































a brothel sprout.'

[neilini]

if raoul moat hasnt been caught by saturday police will double the reward from 10k to 20k.they are calling it a raoul-over

[neilini]

i'm getting bored of raoul moat jokes now,there not even raoulmoatly funny

[cj121]

Raoul across the floor, laughing my ass off:)

[eggopp]

OMG Raoul on the day they catch him. :biggrin1:

[eggopp]

First prize Muslim awards

[crslaytor]

First prize Muslim awards

HAHAHAHAH LOOOK NO BOMBS HAHAHA :biggrin1::biggrin1::biggrin1:

http://www.freakingnews.com/pictures/2000/America--2066.jpg

[davidruddell]

too risque?

On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.

Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...

... and stuck my nob in her mouth

[davidruddell]

apols if it's been posted before.....

For Sale
Large wooden cabinet, never used, never even been opened. 4 foot by 8
foot. Beautiful mahogany cabinet, spanish cedar internal and shelves.

Suitable for use as large humidor or display cabinet

Reason for sale, purchased in good faith but unlikely to ever be used

email for more details

trophyroom@newcastleunitedfc.co.uk

[tropico5]

A man walked into a bar...... ouch. :)

[satch]

The Procrastination Society,
Wishing you a very Merry Christmas.

[satch]

My wife sent me a picture earlier with:
'This is what’s waiting for you when you get home'.
I'm not sure if I'm getting lucky or we're having chicken.

[Aussiewaz]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an arsehole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'arsehole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an arsehole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ARSEHOLE!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW arsehole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house,and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
>"Don, you're an arsehole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Arsehole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an arsehole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
>"Who are you?" he asked.
>"My name is Don Hansen."
>"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Arsehole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole," and hung up.
Then I called Arsehole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, arsehole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
>I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of eachother in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.

[Burner]

Saw this in the paper:

Been dating a couple of anorexics

Two birds one stone

[satch]

By the way.... did you know that a South American
scientist has, after a lengthy study, discovered that
people with low IQs who don't have enough sex and who invariably smoke cigars , always read forum posts while holding the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[Boss Hog]

In the light of recent events of the "cat lady" it's nice to see them getting there own back.

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[davidruddell]

very good

[jibjob79]

I was in a pub and told the following joke:

What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.

Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.

I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.

"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked.

"No," replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".

[jibjob79]

Why is the bible like a penis?

You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

[jibjob79]

How do you get a granny to shout "Cunt!"?

Get another one to shout "Bingo".

[Boss Hog]

I hear Joseph Fritzel is flying over to Chile to advise the government on how to keep trapped miners alive underground.

[Aussiewaz]

A new guy shows up for a job on a pirate ship. He walks into the galley, where all the pirates are eating beans. "I'm here for a job," he said. The pirate captain looks at him, sort of leans over and lets out a long, low, juicy fart. All the pirates start farting, low and long. Soon, the place reeks. The man, wanting to show that he's tough enough to be a pirate tries to fart but only manages a "Squeeeek, poot..."

It all gets quiet on the pirate ship, and the captain stands up, waiving his hook in the air and says: "I get the virgin!":biggrin1:

[Leojvs]

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board...

Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level I went up onto the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain and unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.
Kind Regards,
Mike Pashby

[Aussiewaz]

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!! :hail::hail::hail:

The Workers Comp Board would probably pay that claim too just because it would be impossible to refute every event!

[Simon-JG-hr]

:pound: :pound: :pound:

My oh my... I think a little bit of wee came out.

[Simon-JG-hr]

Just emailed this to my father who pointed me in the direction of the original version of this (fantastic) joke, a pretty decent song:

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[davidruddell]

I spent some time at my wife's grave earlier.

She's not dead - she thinks I'm digging a pond in the garden.

[davidruddell]

Well my appearance on 'Dragons Den' didn't go so well.

I had my pitch perfectly rehearsed, and my invention working perfectly.

But apparently saying "Oi sugar tits, fuck off and get me a coffee, while the men talk business" to Deborah Meaden is unacceptable.

[satch]

A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal.

"The Fish was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit!" said my wife.

"And Sir?" said the waiter. "How did you find the pork belly?"

"Oh, about six years ago, we met on holiday."

[Boss Hog]

A mate of mine has been shagging some twins for a while. I asked him how he manages to tell them apart."That's easy" he replied. "Angela has long, straight hair, and Trevor has a cock"

[Simon-JG-hr]

A little childish, but I thought this was quite good:

http://i42.tinypic.com/11h6gxc.jpg

Proof that two, unintentionally funny men, make an intentionally funny joke?

Okay, it's not that good, but had to share.

[Hencore]

What's the difference between a kangaroo and kangaroot?


One's a kangaroo the other is a geordie stuck in a lift.

[Aussiewaz]

What's the difference between a kangaroo and kangaroot?


One's a kangaroo the other is a geordie stuck in a lift.I know all about Kangaroos but nothing about geordie's so :eviltongue::eviltongue::eviltongue:
http://www.layoutlocator.com/graphics/dldimg/9299f008cd9e1e725fd75f46a191807b_boxing-kangaroo.jpg

[Aussiewaz]

Oh BTW, Bloody Kiwi's!
http://www.amazingaustralia.com.au/jokes/Qantas-AirNZmerger.jpg

[Boss Hog]

Oh BTW, Bloody Kiwi's!
http://www.amazingaustralia.com.au/jokes/Qantas-AirNZmerger.jpg


Should this be NSFW?
I work with a number of sheep who are looking rather strangely at me at the minute:confused: or they might just be eyeing me up?

[Aussiewaz]

Should this be NSFW?
I work with a number of sheep who are looking rather strangely at me at the minute:confused: or they might just be eyeing me up?Depends where they hail from. If they are Aussie sheep your food, if Kiwi sheep then your a gigilo. LMAO.

[Simon-JG-hr]

A couple of the better 'Pakistan flood jokes' from another forum I frequent:

"The problem of the floods in Pakistan is going to be solved by a specialist team from Yorkshire Water. Within a week of getting involved it is expected that all of the country's reservoirs will be empty and there will be a blanket hosepipe ban."

"Apparently they're releasing a charity single to raise funds for flood victims entitled 'raindrops keep fallin on Akhmed'."

[cohibaIV]

English Zu German





The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.









As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
















In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.







The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.



















There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.













In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

















Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.










Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.












By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".












During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.












Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.













Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.











I hop zis mad you smil.

[Aussiewaz]

A young soldier was attending some college courses between assignments.
He had also completed missions in Afghanistan .

One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He Looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the young soldier got out of his Chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The young man went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked, "What the hell is the matter with! you? Why did you do that?"

Came the reply,
"God was too busy today protecting our soldiers who are protecting your right to talk stupid and act like an asshole. So, He sent me"

[Boss Hog]

Is it me or has anyone else noticed that the anagram of Maddie is "I'm dead" ?

[davidruddell]

Q: What do George Michael and Chilean miners
have in common?
A: Both will be let out after eight weeks of
heavy drilling.

I thank you.

[jibjob79]

Little Johnny's Teacher says - whoever can answer the following questions can have a half day from school.

Who said "...ask not what your country can do for you" - before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy shouts "John F Kennedy".

Teacher says "very good, Nancy, you can go".

Teacher asks "who said - I have a dream" - before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary shouts - "Martin Luther King".

Teacher says very good Mary, you can go.

"Johnny is raging & just as teacher turns her back Johnny says "I wish those fucking slags would keep their fucking mouths shut"

Teacher looks & says "who said that?"

Johnny replies "Wayne Rooney - see you tomorrow!"

[davidruddell]

I heard that George Michael's come back single, after his prison release, is going to be a cover of the Crystal Gayle classic "Don't It Make My Brown Eye Blue"

[Aussiewaz]

Little Johnny's Teacher says - whoever can answer the following questions can have a half day from school.

Who said "...ask not what your country can do for you" - before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy shouts "John F Kennedy".

Teacher says "very good, Nancy, you can go".

Teacher asks "who said - I have a dream" - before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary shouts - "Martin Luther King".

Teacher says very good Mary, you can go.

"Johnny is raging & just as teacher turns her back Johnny says "I wish those fucking slags would keep their fucking mouths shut"

Teacher looks & says "who said that?"

Johnny replies "Wayne Rooney - see you tomorrow!"ROTFLMAO!!!!!! :rock: http://www.pic4ever.com/images/4fvgdaq_th.gif
http://dc225.4shared.com/img/h_zUg8c8/laughingcat.jpg (http://www.4shared.com/photo/h_zUg8c8/laughingcat.html)

[davidruddell]

I saw a sign outside a church which read:

"C H - R C H... There's only one thing missing."

I'm not sure "CHPROOFRCH" is even a word.

[davidruddell]

A man threw some mild cheese at me today.

That's not very mature, is it.

[Aussiewaz]

Top Cigar Ad Slogans

*These aren't your father's cigars ... or your mother's, for that matter.

*When's the last time you had a good stiff Cuban?

*Because size really does matter.

*The bigger the hole, the bigger we roll.

*Available in small, medium, and donkey sizes.

*The "fun-to-put-in" carcinogen!

*After a strokin' it's still good for smokin'.

*Long enough for a man, but made for a woman.

*Won't leave a mess all over her dress!

*These won't go floppy in your mouth.

*The best thing you'll ever find in a box.

*Cigars... they're not just for oral pleasure any more.

*Batteries not included.

[Boss Hog]

Apparently the new FIFA 11 game for Xbox comes with in-game cheats......

Wayne Rooney, Ashley Cole and John Terry

[spooner]

Marriage is like poker. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade.

[Boss Hog]

My favourite X Factor quote:

"It was my brothers dying wish to enter me, it was him that finally made me come"

[davidruddell]

My wife said that my penis reminded her of a tic-tac.
Soon shut her up when I asked "if that's the case why does your sister still had bad breath."

[Aussiewaz]

My wife said that my penis reminded her of a tic-tac.
Soon shut her up when I asked "if that's the case why does your sister still had bad breath." O o O LMAO. :damnmate::ahhhhh::pound::pound::pound:

[davidruddell]

I am frankly disgusted and this shows what a world we live in today.

"A food production company has been fined nearly £17,000 after a man found a dead mouse in a loaf of bread as he made sandwiches for his children."

...What the fuck was a man doing making sandwiches for children, that's the wife's job.

What a tragedy.

[davidruddell]

Mein Kampf.

Warning contains "Adolf humour"

[eggopp]

Went to a Muslim birthday party the other day and they played Pass the Parcel... didnt keep the package in my hands to long i can tell you!!

[jibjob79]

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.

Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here!

She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!'

She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"

After a couple of days Dave walks again into that bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face.

Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"

"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here!

She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!'

She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer.

Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here.

She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said "It's either screw or swim!"

She pulled down her pants and..... She had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick! ... and I can't swim Dave! I can't swim!"

[davidruddell]

My little boy came up to me with tears in his eyes asking where his hamster had gone. I managed to calm him down and assure him that he's gone for a little holiday and will be back soon.

So now I must do what all good fathers do... sneak back to the pet shop and ask them if they have anything that can coax this fury little bastard back out of my arse.

[davidruddell]

Pal of mine just confessed he's having an affair with identical twins!

I asked him how he tells them apart?

"Easy, Sarah has dyed blonde hair, a slight cleft in her chin, and a small scar on her left hand, and Barry has a cock."

[davidruddell]

Just discovered two cheats in the Xbox 360 version of Fifa 11

They're called Wayne Rooney and Frank Lampard.

[Corto Maltese]

I know, I know, this thread is way out of date but I finally got one.

The worlds shortest fairy tale....
Once upon a time a bloke asked a girl " Will you marry me ? "
The girl said " No ! "......


And the bloke lived happily ever after and fucked all her mates and rode motorcycles and went fishing and played football and drank beer and ate curry and left the toilet seat up and played on the playstation and farted and had a wank whenever he wanted...... The End.

For all those cvonfused females out there, it's simple.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection make him a fucking sandwich !.

[whisky77]

An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section:






I reckon this bloke should have got a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!
Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
still interested?
Call me at..... 8250-0327

[the mothman]

I was just walking down the street when someone chucked a slab of cheese at me - I thought thats not very bloody 'mature' is it....

[the mothman]

Paddy is rushed into hospital after a bizzare sex game left him with 6 toy horses up his arse..........doctors described his condition as stable...

[the mothman]

A very drunk paddy met a prostitute up a dark alley. He asked how much for full sex, "20 pounds" she replied. ok says paddy and they get down to it. Next minute a cop appears and shines his torch in their faces. Whats going on here? he asks. "nothing officer, im just having sex with my wife", "sorry sir" apologised the officer I didnt know it was your wife. Paddy shouts "neither did I till you shone that fucking light in her face"......

[the mothman]

I was offered a new job and a chance to work at heathrow airport on their new body scanner machine. The head of security said " you can look at tits and twats all day ". I said, " I already do, im a steward at White Hart Lane"...

[the mothman]

The Mrs has just come into the living room wearing a little PVC number, fishnets and high heels. She handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down and relax and when she comes back she will give me "what she does best"
I cant wait.
I fucking love Shepherds pie...

[jibjob79]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"OK Do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black".

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The leading man was black".

"Oh," says the midwife, "it's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair".

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh," the midwife repeats, "it's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes".

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"



AND



The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly,

"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and
I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that
magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ....

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of
cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

[the mothman]

While snooping in my wifes secret diary, I was excited to read about her fantasies about dirty rough sex with anal....
Then I remembered she is dyslexic..........and my best mate is called Alan.

[JimJamYaHa]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[Simon-JG-hr]

I know this isn't a joke, as such, but it is so funny I had to share it. A friend forwarded the link to me, and, I have to say, the article is even funnier than the headline... it's like something out of Monty Python.

Malawi row over 'farting ban bid' (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-12363852)

[Gordonbcb]

A sex therapist claimed that the most effective way to arouse your man is to
spend 10 minutes licking his ears!!
Personally I think its bollocks!!

[Styler]

A man walks into a bar and asks the barmaid for a double entendre... so she gives him one.

[Simon-JG-hr]

:rolleyes: :biggrin1:

Maybe familiar to those who've been watching Boardwalk Empire on Sky Atlantic:

Divorce Case Judge: Sir, I have decided to give your wife £1000 per week.
Divorcing Husband: That's very generous of you your honour. I may give her a few quid too.

and another (from the same show)

A man walks in to find his wife in bed with a stranger. "What the hell is going on here!?" he exclaims... "See, I told you he was stupid," says the wife to the stranger...

[Superbrother]

Polish guy goes to the opticians for an eye test.
The optician sits him down in front of the test chart with rows of letters on.

Optician: "Can you see how many of these letters you can read for me"
Polish Guy: "T........C.....H.....A....Z..E.............Hang on a sec, I know this guy!!!"

[Robert747]

SEX STARVED

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:place w:st="on"><st1:PlaceName w:st="on">Afghan</st1:PlaceName> <st1:PlaceType w:st="on">Desert</st1:PlaceType></st1:place> .

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess
tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post
and no women.Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges',
so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants
down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."

[cohibaIV]

Two monks from different monasteries were old friends who shared a great fondness for cigars. Once each year when they had a chance to visit, they would pray together and, of course, light up.Eventually, however, they became concerned that there might be some sin in their habit and they each resolved to ask their respective superiors for guidance.When they met again, one was puffing away."But the head of my monastery told me it was a sin," protested the other."What did you ask him?" said the first."I asked him if it was all right to smoke during evening prayer and he said, 'No.'""Well," said his friend as he blew a perfect smoke ring into the air, "I asked my superior if it was alright to pray during our evening smoke and he said it was just fine!"Moral of the Story: The answer you get depends on the question you ask.

[Simon Bolivar]

Amen to that:rock:

[patrickspark]

the E U