Anyone got any jokes?

[Montesmoke]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95- year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. "

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the Church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even; nothing too strenuous. Simply in on the ding and out on the dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive.......



if the ice cream van hadn't come along.":D

[Montesmoke]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

'You sign! You sign!'

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:

'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.


On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,


'You sign! You sign!'


Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him:

'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:













(It's a beauty)

(Wait for it)


(Get your very best Chinese accent ready)





'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

[Montesmoke]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces
four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the
springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is
paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all
over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on
the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has
ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough
breath to say,


'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'



'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze....



Four-sprung Duck technique

[Montesmoke]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant
behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly
answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make
sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was
empty.' Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come
on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her.. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW,
I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She
fainted.
:D

[SmokinCohibas]

A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,his elbow
goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man
Turns to her and says -
Ma'am,if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know
you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your
elbow,I'm in room 221."

[SmokinCohibas]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband
Starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm
sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow
and I want to stayfresh."The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back
Over and taps his wife again.

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?":D

[SmokinCohibas]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his
wife that he had terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the Pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk
about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed toovercome the Compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?"She asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous
urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"


"Oh...she got fired too.":D:D

[SmokinCohibas]

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when The wife says, "Just think, fifty
years ago we were sitting here at this Breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably
sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."

Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."


I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your tea and the other is in your porridge."

[SmokinCohibas]

A doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were at a bar discussing what they had given their wives for birthday presents.

The doctor said, "On my wifes birthday I bought her two gifts. One gift was a pearl necklace and the other gift was a brand new Mercedes SL500. That way if she didn't like the pearl necklace she would have the brand new MBZ to remember how much I love her."


The lawyer said, "On my wifes birthday, I bought her a diamond ring, and a all round the world trip ticket. That way if she didn't like the ring, she would always have the trip to remember how much I love her."


The biker said, "On my wifes birthday, I bought her a Harley Davidson T-shirt and a dildo, so if she didn't like the tee shirt I gave her, she could go and Fuck herself. :D:D:D



NEXT:

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly
and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a
few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to
bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet petted the dog and took it out, but returned a few moments later
with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the
ex-bird.

The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your
parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably ..... dead." He then turned
to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he
handed to the woman.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150 she cried, $150
just to tell me my bird is dead.!!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only
have been $20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan......"

[SmokinCohibas]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See?


1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See?


A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I 'm blonde, Mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 24.

[SmokinCohibas]

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on
the dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you,
being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with
you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this
letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will
be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the
Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset - I shall be home
before midnight."


When the man came home late that night, he found the following
letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my
being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a
maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that
while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one
of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of
Maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation,
although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more
times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until
sometime tomorrow."

[SmokinCohibas]

The Irishman, Scotsman and Englishman:

Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow
there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of
his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the
5th drink for you."

"Well", said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there
will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhhhh, that's nothing", said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough
drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, and i t is all
on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he
swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman ."But it did happen to
me sister.":D

[cohibaIV]

REASONS WHY CIGARS ARE BETTER THAN SEX

? You can GET cigars.

? You can safely have cigars while you are driving.

? You can make cigars last as long as you want them to.

? You can have cigars even in front of your mother.

? Two people of the same sex can have cigars without being called nasty names.

? The word "commitment" doesn't scare off cigars.

? You can have cigars on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

? You can ask a stranger for a cigar without getting your face slapped.

? You don't get hairs in your mouth with cigars.

? With cigars there's no need to fake it.

? Cigars don't make you pregnant.

? You can have cigars at any time of the month.

? Good cigars are easy to find.

? You can have as many kinds of cigars as you can handle.
? When you have great cigars it doesn't keep your neighbours awake

? With cigars size doesn't matter. It's ALL good!

[cohibaIV]

THROW IT AWAY

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...

[cohibaIV]

HAHAHAHAHAHA I love this one.....:D

A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work, lit his favorite cigar and sat across from him as they had a drink.
She slowly spread her legs? "Honey would you like some of this?"
"Hell no, look what it's done to your underwear!":eek::D

[cohibaIV]

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife,
"You aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends, confident he could he lit a robusto lent back in his chair and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone.
"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion."'

[Montesmoke]

Paddy and Murphy are at Murphy's house when Murphy says "paddy, will ya do me a favour? Pop up stairs and fetch me slippers. the'yr a pair of size elevens."

So paddy runs up stairs where he comes face to face with Murpy's two 19 yo daughters, beautiful and sweet and in a state of undress. Quick as a flash he says "Your dad says I have got to f*** you both, right now".

"You're lying" the girls reply.

"No I'm not" says paddy, "and I'll prove it to ye" whereupon he shouts down and yells, "Murphy, did you say both of 'em?" To which Murphy yells back, "Of course both of 'em, whats the point of fu***** one?!?!?!" :D

[Montesmoke]

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin.'

The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'

The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'

'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'

'Tiger Woods.'

'Tiger Woods, the golfer?'

'Yeah.'

'Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.'

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

'What are you doing?' asks the wife.

The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. 'Now what are you doing?' she asks.

The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it again.'

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'














































'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.'

[Montesmoke]

The prison chefs at Paris Hilton's prison are preparing breakfast. They are pouring porridge into each bowl for the prisoners until they get to Paris' bowl.

"I'm going to jerk off in to this," says one chef.

"Great idea," says the second.

Before you know it they've all been in her porridge. Then the guards take the bowl to her cell and have a quick go before delivering it to Paris.

Paris looks at the bowl and up at the guards and says "I'm not eating this."

The guard laughs and asks, "Why not?"

Paris replies,




"It's got porridge in it.":eek:

[SmokinCohibas]

Premature ejaculation,the greatest compliment you can pay a woman.
.........and they fucking moan about it.

[SmokinCohibas]

Why should you not have sex in the ear?
Cause you might get hearing aids

[SmokinCohibas]

What’s the worst thing about gang rape?

Waiting your turn.:D

[SmokinCohibas]

What?s the worst thing about gang rape?

Waiting your turn.:D

[Montesmoke]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

'Who the hell are you?' demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'

The mysterious man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned 'You mean I'm dead? That can't be,I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . .you've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'

'It's not so bad' replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never!' replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later,an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...










'Dave, wake up you drunken Bastard, you've SHIT the bed!'.:eek:

[cohibaIV]

hahahahahahaha

[Montesmoke]

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are 'the seven
Dwarfs' they get ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

'Dopey my son,' says the Pope, 'what can I do for you?'

Dopey asks, 'Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
Answers, 'No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back to face the Pope.

'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No
Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe.'

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry
Glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, 'Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf
Nuns in the whole world?'

The Pope answers, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere
In the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding
On the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

'Dopey screwed a penguin!'
'Dopey screwed a penguin!':D

[Montesmoke]

A middle-aged woman, in hospital after a heart attack, had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked 'Is my time up?' 'No,' said God. 'You have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

She recovered very quickly from surgery, but decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and whiten her teeth - with so much more time ahead, she was going to make the most of it! But then - tragedy! Crossing the street on her way home from hospital, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years! Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'

'Sorry,' God replied,





'I didn't recognize you.':D

[cohibaIV]

A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody"
His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."
"Oh come on" replies the bartender.
The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."
He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.
The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar".
The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says "See that".
The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You asshole that's just another cigar."
Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself, leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!"

[cohibaIV]

America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission with one astronaut from each country.
Since it's going to be two years up there, each may take any form of entertainment weighing 150 pound or less.
The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb wife. They approve.
The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Greek. I want 150 lbs of books to learn Greek with." The NASA board approves.
The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "It's gonna be two years up there. I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA Okays it.
Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside the shuttle to see what each astronaut got out of his personal entertainment.
Well, it's obvious what the American's been up to, He and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers.
The Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely perfect Greek. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer.
The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row waving a chewed up cigar at them and says:
"Anybody got a match?"

[cohibaIV]

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath, a chewed cigar hanging from his mouth and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast".

[cohibaIV]

It's Better to be a man
• Why it's great to be a man:
• Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
• Your orgasms are real. Always.
• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be president.
• You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
• Foreplay is optional.
• You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
• Hot wax never comes near your pubic area

[cohibaIV]

Just Wondering
• Why is an orange an orange and an apple not a red?
• Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one?
• Why did God give men nipples?
• Is grass really greener on the other side?
• Why do you wear a pair of panties and only one bra?
• If Corn Oil comes from Corn, what does Baby Oil come from?
• If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do you get Teflon to stick to a pan?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
• If a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
• If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on you headlights, what happens?
• You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else?"
• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment , but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
• Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?
• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• If pot grows naturally, and we outlaw pot (nature), are we outlawing God?
• How do they unclog mail chutes in skyscrapers?
• If trailer parks didn't exist, would tornadoes exist?
• Why does X stand for a kiss?
• Why do we itch?
• Do toilet seats really protect us against anything?
• Why do old women dye their hair blue?
• Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?
• Same work... more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
• Wedding Dress ?2000; Tux rental ?100.
• People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
• Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
• Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
• One mood, all the time.

[Montesmoke]

Good one!:D

[Montesmoke]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

All of a sudden, he said out loud, 'Lord, grant me one wish.'

The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The man said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete
and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and
glorify me.'

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, 'Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they
give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy.' ................

The Lord replied,










'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

[cohibaIV]

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath, a chewed cigar hanging from his mouth and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast".

hahahahahaha I WISH!!!!

[Montesmoke]

You posted that joke all ready:confused:

[cohibaIV]

I Like it....
(Oppps really)....hehe

[Montesmoke]

:D

[Montesmoke]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, 'Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?'

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, 'Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?'

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,









'I don't think my python weally gives a thit.':D

[SmokinCohibas]

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

[SmokinCohibas]

A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck.":eek:

[SmokinCohibas]

This is a good un:

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.":D

[SmokinCohibas]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

[Montesmoke]

:D

[SmokinCohibas]

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well, not exactly." his friend replied, "she's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well, not exactly - I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

[SmokinCohibas]

It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's ass popping out.
The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's Ass"
The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's Ass."
Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark.":D:D

[Montesmoke]

A frog walks into a bank.

Frog: Ribbit. Good morning.

Clerk: Good morning. (looks up and sees frog.) Oh my! Uh, my name is Patty Wack. How can I help you?

Frog: I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.

Clerk: (Takes a hard look at the frog, then shrugs her shoulders and gets out loan form. She starts filling in information) How much would you like to borrow?

Frog: $25,000 please.

Clerk: What is your name?

Frog: Kermit Jagger, I'm Mick Jagger's son, you know. My dad is good friends with your manager.

Clerk: Well, $25,000 is quite a lot of money. We will need some collateral to secure the loan. What do you have?

Frog: (holds up a small item) I have this small, pink, porcelain elephant on a unicycle!

Clerk: (takes item and looks at it in confusion) Well, ummm, I'm going to have the bank manager take a look at this.
(yells) Mr. Smith, could you come here please?!

Mr. Smith: Yes, Ms. Wack. What seems to be the trouble?

Clerk: This frog's name is Kermit Jagger and he claims his father knows you and he wants a $25,000 loan and he wants to use this, this...... this thing! as collateral.
I don't even know what it is or if we can even lend to amphibians!












Mr. Smith: It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.

[Montesmoke]

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, now. Settle down. You'll just have to be
a little patient.":D

[Montesmoke]

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets
and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have
absolutely nothing to go on." :D

[Montesmoke]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something...........








when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[Montesmoke]

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Mum, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.


"It's pretty nice," she replies.....









"Except they won't let you fart.":eek:

[Montesmoke]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!":D

[cohibaIV]

I don't want to say the oil companies are screwing people, but full service now includes K-Y Jelly.

[cohibaIV]

How did they know the shark attack victim had dandruff? They found his Head & Shoulders on the beach

[cohibaIV]

What's the difference between PMT and BSE? One is mad cow disease and the other is an agricultural problem.

[cohibaIV]

Three little ducks go into a bar.
"Hello, what's your name?" the barman asks the first duck.
"Huey," he replies.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" smiles Huey.
"That's nice," says the bartender, turning to the second duck. "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," comes the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" asks the barman.
"Great. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day as well. What more could a duck want?"
The barman turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she says, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

[cohibaIV]

What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

[cohibaIV]

What is the shortest sentence in the English Dictionary, but the longest sentence of your life?
"I do."

[Montesmoke]

:D good one!

[Montesmoke]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8Kyi0WNg40

[Montesmoke]

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."
"Could I see him?"
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.
The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.
About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic!?":D

[Major_Tom]

Lol, have heard that before but with a 10" pianist...

[rokkitsci]

A young American girl is visiting Scotland for the first time. She is out on the rolling green admiring the scenery when she spots a handsome young lad in a traditional kilt, fast asleep resting against a tree. She has always wondered what actually goes on under a kilt and thinks to herself that this would be a golden opportunity to find out.

So, she quietly approaches the young man and carefully, carefully lifts up the hem of his tartan, only to find the young lad exposed to the world. Well, the girl is flushed with excitement and thinks that she should commemorate this occasion somehow. Reaching into her hair, she removes the blue ribbon from her ponytail and ever-so-gently ties it around the Scotsman's manhood. Pleased with herself, she runs off with a smile to record her adventure in her diary.

Somewhat later, the Scotsman wakes from his slumber and feels something amiss in his nether regions. He lifts up his kilt and looks down only to see the memento left by the young lady. He scratches his head in bewilderment and announces, "Och, laddie! I dinna know where ya' been or what ya' been doin', but I'm mighty proud ya' won first prize!"

[Deano]

lol a fine addition thanks

[cohibaIV]

If all Brides are beautiful, where the fuck do ugly wives come from?

[cohibaIV]

Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

[cohibaIV]

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times!"

[cohibaIV]

One day Superman was flying along, feeling kind of horny. He had a busy day ahead of him, but just had to satisfy his urge. So he decided he would fly over to Wonder Woman's house to see what she was doing. As he got closer he used his x-ray vision, and to his suprise, Wonder Women was lying on her bed totally nude.
Superman thought "this is great! I'll just zip right in there, do my business, and before she knows it, I'll be gone." So, Superman blasts in, right on top of Wonder Woman, does the deed at light speed, and is gone in a flash. Wonder Woman, not quite knowing what hit her said "WHOA! What was that?" and the Invisible Man replied. "I don't know, but my arse sure is sore!"

[Montesmoke]

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor.
The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?"
The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

[Major_Tom]

Shamelessly piked from another forum:

While I was driving down the M6 the other day, (going a little faster than
I should have been), I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the
other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronising smirk, asked "Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher??
"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger,then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."

Speeding ticket: ?105.00

Court costs: ?45.00

Look on copper's face .... Priceless!

[Montesmoke]

HaHa!!:D

[cohibaIV]

"They say the row of soldiers lining the road for Thatcher's state funeral will be one of the longest ever. It'll be nearly as long as the line of people queuing to dance on her grave."

[cohibaIV]

"Pavarotti? God rest his soul, but he was a miserable fucker. I went to one of his concerts a few years ago and he doesn't like ya fucking joining in, does he?"

"I went and got measured for a brand new suit the other week. The fella said, 'Fucking hell, Ricky - you're a Mark F.'
I said, 'What's a Mark F?' He said, 'A size up from a fucking Marquee!'"

It really is great to be here. What an absolute pleasure it is to be entertaining an audience without someone trying to smash my fucking teeth in."

People call me Ricky Fatton and I don't know where they got that idea from. But you wanna see me with a fucking hard-on. I look like the letter Q."

"One thing I can't stand more than Man United, it's that fucking Cristiano Ronaldo. What a dickhead. He was playing on TV the other day while I was Hoovering. I bumped into the TV and he fucking fell over."

"Raise a glass to our wives and girlfriends - may they never meet! But I had a girlfriend leave me for a midget once.
I never thought anyone would stoop that low!"

"Mike Tyson. What an animal he is! Be honest, if you found Tyson in bed with your missus, you'd fucking tuck him in, wouldn't yer?"

"My mum still doesn't get what boxing is all about. She thought Sugar Diabetes was a fucking Welsh flyweight."

"My dad is about four-foot-fucking-seven. He's the only man I know who has a full-length photograph for his fucking passport. He looks like he's fallen off a key ring and could hang-glide with a fucking Dorito."

[To a heckler] "Hey, keep your voice down, you. Save your breath. You've got to blow your missus up when you get home."

Ricky Hatton is touring the UK's clubs this summer, raising money for children with Aids at The Murray Foundation:D:D:D:D

[cohiba-cohiba]

Paddy and mick walking down the street mick falls down a hole and shouts to paddy, paddy me old mate can you call me an ambulance think I have hurt me selve.

padyy starts to shout micks an amulance micks an ambulance LOL.

sorry to all the irsh out there just good humour intended

[Montesmoke]

http://www.truveo.com/Bad-Day-at-the-office-HILARIOUS/id/36896522

[Montesmoke]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies,










'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?':D

[Montesmoke]

8 things a girl should say to her boyfriend!

1. I'm bored, lets shave my pussy!
2.Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3.That fart was great...do another!
4.Of course I swallow, I love the taste of cum!
5. No thats alright, I'll wahs up, you watch that porn film. Oh, do you want another beer?
6.Just for a change would you pop it up my arse?
7.How about you get that hot ex of yours to join us one night?
8. Marriage? Nah, it's not for me. :D

[Montesmoke]

An article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2nd.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safes combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The morning newspaper headline read:




"IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING"....:eek:

[Major_Tom]

Heh heh, thats a bit rough...

[Montesmoke]

yea is a bit:eek::D

[Montesmoke]

For those of us that have ever used a Haynes Manual...

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jesus what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken...it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this...so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "b*gger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want to do!

[Montesmoke]

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her
car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently
warning her, 'Treacle, I just heard on the news
that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13.
Please be careful!''It's not just one car!'
said the Essex girl, 'There's f*cking hundreds of them!' :D

[Montesmoke]

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
'How many children?' asks the council worker.
'10' replies the Essex girl.
'10?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?'
'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne,
Wayne and Wayne .''Doesn't that get confusing?'
'Naah...' says the Essex girl 'its great because
if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout
WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY,or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they
all do it...' 'What if you want to speak to one individually?'
says the perturbed council worker.'That's easy.
' says the Essex girl... 'I just use their surnames.':eek::D

[cohibaIV]

After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised, the woman decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says the man, frowning. "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

[cohibaIV]

An Amish boy and his father rode into town to visit a new shopping mall. All that they saw had them reeling in amazement, but the one thing that really caught their eye was a pair of shiny ‘walls’ that could slide open and close effortlessly shut again. The boy looked at his father and asked,‘What is this thing, father?’ Having never seen an elevator before, the old man responded: ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.’ At that moment, a fat lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady moved between them into a small room. The walls then closed, and the boy and his father watched in awe as a series of semi-circular numbers above the walls lit up sequentially. They continued to stare as the numbers lit in reverse order. Finally the walls opened again and a gorgeous, voluptuous blonde woman stepped out. Without taking his eyes off the young woman, the father said quietly: ‘Son, go get your mother …’

[Montesmoke]

:D

[cohibaIV]

From the day of their wedding, Sarah has been nagging her husband about his past. ‘Come on, tell me,’ she asks again, ‘how many women have you slept with?’ ‘Honey, ‘ he says, ‘if I told you, you’d just get angry.’ ‘No, I promise I won’t,’ she begs. ‘Well, If you insist. Let’s see. One … two … three … four … you … six … seven …’

[Montesmoke]

A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody"

His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."

"Oh come on" replies the bartender.

The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."

He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.

The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar".

The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says " See that".

The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You asshole that's just another cigar."

Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!"

[Montesmoke]

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2003/m_photobooth-p1.php

[Major_Tom]

Lmao at these

[cohibaIV]

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2003/m_photobooth-p1.php


hahahahahahahahaha:D

[cohibaIV]

A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody"

His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."

"Oh come on" replies the bartender.

The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."

He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.

The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar".

The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says " See that".

The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You asshole that's just another cigar."

Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!"

Page 3 mate,,,Page 3 hahahahaa:D

[Montesmoke]

Page 3 mate,,,Page 3 hahahahaa:D

Didnt realise theres quite a few jokes on here now!:D

[cohibaIV]

:D

[Montesmoke]

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?'

The guy answers, 'A scotch, please.'

The bartender hands him the drink, and says 'That'll be five dollars,' to which the guy replies, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.'

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.'

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.' The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!'

The guy says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!' The bartender replies, 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.' To which the guy replies, 'Thank you. Make it a scotch.' :D

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Montesmoke]

the neighbour
bob looked over the fence to see why his neighbour was digging and said to his neighbour' why are u digging and his neighbour said ''my fish is dead ' and bob said 'its a big hole for a fish' and the neighbour says' well your cat swallowed him'':eek:

[Montesmoke]

A MANAGER'S DILEMA


An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning.
Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing.
Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said,
"Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said,
"Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

[cohibaIV]

A man’s running his eye over a menu in a restaurant when his attractive waitress asks him what he’d fancy. “A quickie, please” “Sir,” she says, “I’ll ask you one more time, is there anything that takes your fancy?” “Yes,” says the man again. “A quickie.” Outraged she slaps him across the face and storms back across the restaurant in a huff. “Mate,” says the guy at the next table, “it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”

[cohibaIV]

A guy manages to get this hot girl back to his house, and they’re ripping off each other’s clothes when she notices the scars on his knees. “Oh when I was a kid I contracted kneesles,” he explains. “You mean measles,” she says. “Oh no, Kneesles.” So they continue undressing each other, unfazed. Until she noticed his crooked toes. “Ah I also contracted toelio.” “Don’t you mean polio?” “No, I got toelio.” Bored by his denials, she shrugs it off. Until he drops his pants. “Don’t tell me,” she laughs. “Smallcox…”

[cohibaIV]

A guy decides to have a party where his guests come as different emotions – from fear to happiness, and so on. The first guest shows up covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. “What have you come as?” the guy asks. “I’m green with envy.” “Wow, that’s brilliant,” says the host. “Come in and have a drink.” A few minutes later, a woman turns up, covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her private parts. “Wow, great outfit,” says the host. “And you’ve come as…” “I’m tickled pink!” she says. “Brilliant,” the host replies. Moments later the doorbell goes again, only this time its two naked Irish blokes at the door. One’s standing with his penis in a bowl of custard while the other’s got his cock suck in a pear. “What the hell are you both doing?” screams the host. “Well, I’m fucking dis custard and he’s come in dis pear!”

[cohibaIV]

What’s the difference between PMT & CJD? One attacks the cow’s brain and sends it mental. The other’s an agricultural disease.

[Montesmoke]

:D good one

[Montesmoke]

A lad returns home and says:

'Dad, Dad, I've lost my virginity!'

'Well done, Son', his father says. 'I'm proud of you. In fact I'll buy you that bike you've been after, only thing is you'll have to wait until I get paid because I'm skint at the moment.'

'That's alright, Dad. I don't mind waiting........




to be honest my arse is bit sore to ride a bike at the moment.":eek::eek:

[cohibaIV]

Oooooooo!!!!! hehe

[Montesmoke]

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far the cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you...........





If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?":rolleyes:

[Montesmoke]

Skinny white man goes in to a
lift and theres a huge black man standing inside who says
before you ask!!!! I,m 7ft tall,,350lbs,,20 inch dick and my
balls weigh 3lb each,,and my name is turner brown!!!!

The white guy faints and when he comes to he asks
the black man to say that again,,black man repeats his stats
and says my name is turner brown,,the white guys says





thank fekk for that,,,i thought you said turn around:d

[cohibaIV]

Cigar Insurance
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a box of 24 rare and very expensive cigars, insured them against... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued, and won.
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that the man held a policy from the company in which it was warranted that the cigars were insurable. The company, in the policy, had also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and so, the company was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost in "the fires."
However, shortly after the man cashed his check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year prison terms.

[cohibaIV]

Two monks from different monasteries were old friends who shared a great fondness for cigars. Once each year when they had a chance to visit, they would pray together and, of course, light up.
Eventually, however, they became concerned that there might be some sin in their habit and they each resolved to ask their respective superiors for guidance.
When they met again, one was puffing away.
"But the head of my monastery told me it was a sin," protested the other.
"What did you ask him?" said the first.
"I asked him if it was all right to smoke during evening prayer and he said, 'No.'"
"Well," said his friend as he blew a perfect smoke ring into the air, "I asked my superior if it was alright to pray during our evening smoke and he said it was just fine!"

Moral of the Story: The answer you get depends on the question you ask.

[Montesmoke]

:D

[cohibaIV]

What do you call a Essex girl with half a brain?
Gifted!

What do you call a Essex girl with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant

Why aren't Essex girls good cattle herders?
Because they can't even keep two calves together!

What did the Essex girl's right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing. They've never met

Why do Essex girls wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Why didn't the Essex girl want a window seat on the plane?
She'd just blow dried her hair
and she didn't want it blown around too much

Why is a Essex girl like a turtle?
They both get fucked up when they're on their back

What's a Essex girl's favourite nursery rhyme?
Hump-me Dump-me

What's the difference between a Essex girl and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once

Why don't Essex girls eat pickles?
Because they can't get their head in the jar

Why don't Essex girls eat bananas?
They can't find the zipper

[cohibaIV]

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb Essex girl,
and a smart Essex girl are walking down the street
when they spot a ?10 note.
Who picks it up?
The dumb Essex girl!
Because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus,
the tooth fairy, or a smart Essex girl!

An Essex girl and a Scots girl were talking one day.
The Scots girl said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem
but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The Essex girl asked inquisitively,
"How do you give shoulders?"

After many hours of extremely acrobatic
and exhausting sex with an Essex girl
he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen
for some food to replenish his just spent energy.
He pours himself a glass of milk but before drinking it,
he realises his manhood is still pretty hot,
so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off.

Just then the Essex girl walked in and said,
"Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."

[cohibaIV]

Kinky Sex
A man and a woman meet in a pub and start to chat.
He tells her that he has just got divorced,
and when she enquires as to the reason,
he explains that he has always had a liking for 'kinky sex'
and that his ex-wife found it all a bit unpleasant.

The woman replied that she too had recently divorced,
and that it was because she also wanted to have 'kinky sex'.

The woman then suggests that they adjourn to her house
and enjoy a session of 'kinky sex' together.

They eagerly hurry round to the woman's house
and go into the lounge.

"Stay here" the woman says, "I'll be back in a minute."
The woman goes upstairs.

15 minutes later she comes back into the lounge
wearing a rubber suit with metal studs, a leather mask,
stiletto-heel boots, and brandishing a large bull-whip.

"Right then," says the man, "I'll be off then."

"Hold on," says the woman,

"I thought you wanted have some 'kinky sex'.

"Oh I did," said the man,
"I've just fucked your cat and
had a shit in your handbag!"

[cohibaIV]

Sex and Marriage
Do you know what the three types of sex are when you get married?

Anywhere Sex
The couch, the car, the floor, the washing machine, etc, etc.

After you have been married a while, its Bedroom Sex
No more kinky stuff, just the bedroom or nothing at all!
(Is that the truth or WHAT!)

After you have been married a while longer, it becomes Hallway Sex
That's where you pass each other in the hallway
and say "Fuck You" and she replies "Yeah! Fuck You Too!"

[SmokinCohibas]

A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody"

His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."

"Oh come on" replies the bartender.

The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."

He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.

The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar".

The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says " See that".

The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You asshole that's just another cigar."

Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!"

[SmokinCohibas]

What Clinton ACTUALLY said to Monica:

"Hold my calls and sack my cook":D

[Montesmoke]

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. :D

[Montesmoke]

Few more!

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*****g thing in the first place.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,then urinating into it, before jumping in. :eek:

[cohibaIV]

The women's guide to men's English

Can I call you sometime?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Do you want to go to see a film?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you

May I have this dance?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Let's talk
I am trying to impress you
by showing that I am a deep person
then maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

I love you
Let's have sex now

I love you, too
Okay, I've said it...
Now can we have sex now!

You look tense, let me give you a massage
I want to fondle you

Will you marry me?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

I'm bored
Do you want to have sex?

[cohibaIV]

The women's guide to men's English

I like that one better (whilst shopping)
Pick any bloody dress and let's go home!!!

Nice dress!
Nice cleavage!

Yes, I like your new hair style
?50 and it doesn't look any different!

Yes, I like your new hair style
I liked it better before

What's wrong?
I guess sex tonight is out of the question

What's wrong?
I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this

What's wrong?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological
trauma are you going through now?

[Montesmoke]

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach, and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with breasts a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play.

Minutes later, he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked, the dumber he got!":D

[Montesmoke]

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

[Montesmoke]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

[SmokinCohibas]

Why its not easy being a dick??


You have one eye you can not see with.
A head you can not think with.
You hang out with a couple of nuts.
Your closest neighbor is an asshole and your best friend is a pussy.:D:D

[SmokinCohibas]

Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders.

He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?"
Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the chief then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The chief rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death.


The chief turns to the tribe and screams :
.
.
..."DEATH BY BOOKA!":D:D

[SmokinCohibas]

Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced,
"Please prepare for a crash landing!"

The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady said, "Well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first."

The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra.
"Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned
"Well when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first."

The third lady who was African, not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties.
"Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned.


"Well they always search for the black box first!!!":D:D

[SmokinCohibas]

So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for 'Viagra'.
The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much?
The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.
Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers.

The doctor asks 'why, is your dick in that much pain?'

No, says the guy, 'it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!'

[cohibaIV]

:d:d:d:d

[cohibaIV]

"There was a young man of Herne Bay who was making some fireworks one day: but he dropped his cigar in the gunpowder jar. There WAS a young man of Herne Bay."

[SmokinCohibas]

There are three pregnant women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead all sitting in the doctor?s waiting room.
To break the silence the brunette says : "Apparently the position you do when you have sex determines the sex of the baby, I was on top so I'm having a boy".
The redhead then adds "Well I was underneath so that means I'm having a girl".
The blonde then says worryingly "Oh sh*t, I'm having puppies".:D

[cohibaIV]

hehehehehehe

[cohibaIV]

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise
in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember
whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in,
"Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs
and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded,
" Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood,"
as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them
"That must be the door, I'll get it!"

[cohibaIV]

The 100 year old man was having a big birthday party at his nursing home.
A TV crew was there to interview the man on this special day.

The reporter asked,
"Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long."

The old man replied "I don't ever drink.
I never smoked,
and I stayed away from wild women."

Just then there was a loud shriek in the hall.
The crew turned to see a nurse run by,
followed by an agile looking older man with
a foul smelling cigar in one hand and spilling what
smelled like whisky from the glass in his other hand.

He paused for a moment,
looked at the crowd and let out a hardy
"Hee, Hee, Hee!" and continues in pursuit.

"What was that all about?!?" enquired the reporter:

"Please excuse him." replied the old man,
"My father gets out of control sometimes."

[Robusto]

Going around at work today...

Sean Connery
was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, 'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun".
So they went back to her place and got comfortable

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'.

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to........'

'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun'.

Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks

'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'

Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla,
.

SCROLL .DOWN

.

.

.

.

.

.

.


.
.
.



.

but the last time I shlept with a scouser,
the bitch stole ma wallet

[SmokinCohibas]

That's a good one Robusto...:D:D:D

[Robusto]

I quite like good filth but don't want to scare anyone away to a Cigarette Forum.

Do you think they exist?...

Nothing special to talk about there!

My GP advised me to stop smoking cigars and take up cigarettes instead.
I'll write about it some time.

Can you believe that? :confused:

[Montesmoke]

Very Funny Bryan:D


Going around at work today...

Sean Connery
was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, 'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun".
So they went back to her place and got comfortable

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'.

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to........'

'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun'.

Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks

'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'

Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla,
.

SCROLL .DOWN

.

.

.

.

.

.

.


.
.
.



.

but the last time I shlept with a scouser,
the bitch stole ma wallet

[Montesmoke]

Strange, considering you dont take cigar smoke down into your lungs as you do with cigarettes you would think that cigarettes are more harmfull than a cigar!!
So whats the reason for this?
Interesting to know.


I quite like good filth but don't want to scare anyone away to a Cigarette Forum.

Do you think they exist?...

Nothing special to talk about there!

My GP advised me to stop smoking cigars and take up cigarettes instead.
I'll write about it some time.

Can you believe that? :confused:

[Robusto]

Strange one, mate.

I had to have a health check for a Life Insurance policy renewal. Routine at the GP's When asked if I smoked, I said probably one medium sized cigar a day. She then said I should take up smoking cigarettes because cigars have six times the nicotine level of cigarettes.

Don't worry. I stayed loyal!

[Robusto]

Strange one, mate.

I had to have a health check for a Life Insurance policy renewal. Routine at the GP's When asked if I smoked, I said probably one medium sized cigar a day. She then said I should take up smoking cigarettes because cigars have six times the nicotine level of cigarettes.

Don't worry. I stayed loyal!

[rokkitsci]

After a series of tests, my physician sent me to a urologist to follow up on some results which concerned him.

Turned out the doctor he referred me to was a drop-dead gorgeous woman!

Wen she walked into the examination room, she looked at me with a curious expression and told me I would have to stop masturbating.

"Why," I asked?

"Because I need to examine you."

[Montesmoke]

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.:D

[Montesmoke]

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.:eek:

[Montesmoke]

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(Damn lucky f@#kers!:D)

[Montesmoke]

The male pray mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.:eek:

[Montesmoke]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, " So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are very cunning when they want to be.

[Robusto]

How the hell can a pig have an orgasm for 30 minutes?...
Bloody hell! :D

[rokkitsci]

Reginald goes to see his doctor and friend of 25 years, Dr. Brimley Smythe-Ponce-Nez, to find out the results of his recent checkup.

"Well, Brim, old chap, wudup?"

"Reggie, you old poof, I'm afraid I have some very bad news for you and I don't exactly know how to tell you."

"Just out with it, Brim."

"Alright then. Your tests show that you have two serious ailments which, I'm afraid, are untreatable."

"Bloody hell, doc. What did you find?"

"Well, Reg, first of all, you're in the advanced stages of Alzheimers Disease."

"Alzheimers! That's bloody awful! But you said there were two problems. What's the other?"

"I really don't know how to broach this delicately, Reg, so I'll just be blunt: You have terminal cancer of the phlebosum."

"Cancer! That's sodding terrible. But there is one consolation."

"Consolation? With terrible news like this, what could you find consoling?"

"Well, at least I don't have Alzheimers."

[cohibaIV]

181

Click Image to Inlarge...

[Deano]

Hehe I'll attach that to the package I have to send rokketsci!

[cohibaIV]

182

Click Image to Inlarge...

[Robusto]

Great cartoon, mate!

[rokkitsci]

Hehe I'll attach that to the package I have to send rokketsci!

R-O-K-K-I-T-S-C-I !!!

Sheesh! I know you bloody Brits like to sod up spelling, but this is my NAME after all!

[Robusto]

WE muck up spelling! Hehehe... ;):D

[rokkitsci]

WE muck up spelling! Hehehe... ;):D

Fine.

Make fun of the Yank.

So please explain the rationale behind the extra "u" you Limeys favo(u)r sticking into words for no apparent reason.

And what about the extra "i" in alumin(i)um? Just to make it sound funnier?

[Deano]

No you are incorrect.

It's you who removes the "u" from words for no apparent reason.

You forget, you lot are the ones with the accent, not us.

:p

[Robusto]

We were here first! Hehehe... :D:D:D

[Robusto]

My sister is very Transatlantic after 30 years of life in the States. When she's out there, she's perceived to be English because of all the quirky expressions that we brothers and sisters picked up from our Cockney Dad. She comes out with them when shopping in WalMart, and folk turn round to stare at her as if she were a babe with a cigar on. Yet when she comes over here to visit us, she is Mistress Of All That Is Yank! Song in the voice. Habits and expressions. It's very amusing in a warm way.

It's a bit like being a fish out of water, I guess. I'm a fluent French speaker, and a passable German speaker, and when I play bingo with languages when we are abroad, I realise this is the same swapping going on as my sister carries out in English and Yank-English.

Our spelling system is weird and largely built on Latin. We added the letter U to lots of words, so when you Yank Bros take it out, you are really reverting words to their Latin origin.

I have had nothing but good times in the States, Mr Rocket Man... I think it's gonna be a long, long time... Nothing but warm, fuzzy memories of times out there.

Your telly needs more English stuff on it, though. It seems really sloshy to a head with half an English brain in it. ;)

[Montesmoke]

:D

[cohibaIV]

hahahahaha


183

[cohibaIV]

A lovers look at the female

From 15 to 20, women are like Africa
Part virgin and part explored.

From 21 to 35, women are like Asia
Hot and exotic.

From 35 to 45, they are like the United States
Fully explored and free with their resources.

From 45 to 55, they are like Europe
Exhausted, but still interesting in places.

From 55 on, they are like Australia
Everybody knows it's down there but nobody cares very much.

[SmokinCohibas]

Hahaha....That's a good one C4.

[SmokinCohibas]

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, ?Yes we do. Would you like to buy some??
She responds, ?No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does??

[SmokinCohibas]

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says “Hi there good looking, how’s it going?”

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says “Listen, I’ll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it.”
To which he says “No kidding? I’m a lawyer too! What firm are you with?”

[Montesmoke]

:D yea thats about right!

[Montesmoke]

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

[SmokinCohibas]

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.!!!

[Montesmoke]

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.

[SmokinCohibas]

Little Johnny was taking a shower with his grandma.

He casually asked,"Grandma whats that?" She quickly replied, "That's my beaver". Little Johnny didnt say another word.

Two days later he was taking a shower with his mom. Little Johnny asked,"Mommy whats that?" She replied, "Well Johnny thats my beaver."

Little Johnny thought for a bit and said,"Well grandma's beaver must be dying her tongues hanging out!!":D

[cohibaIV]

hahahahahahahahaha

[cohibaIV]

Here are some stupid things that have been said in court:

What is your date of birth?
July fifteenth.
What year?
Every year.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Yes.
And in what ways does it affect your memory?
I forget.
You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How old is your son, the one living with you.
Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
How long has he lived with you?
Forty-five years.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What was the first thing your husband said to you
when he woke that morning?
He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
And why did that upset you?
My name is Susan.

[SmokinCohibas]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies....."

Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling
very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be ok??"

"No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"

[SmokinCohibas]

Two gay firefighters are buttfucking in a smoke filled room.

The fire chief walks in and says "What the hell is going on in here?!"

The Firefighter says "well sir, this man has got smoke inhalation."

The Chief says "why didn''t you give him mouth to mouth"

The Firefighter says "How do you think this shit got started?

[SmokinCohibas]

Two gay guys were in the shower together when one looked down and saw a puddle of white liquid.

He said to the other man - What did I tell you about farting in the shower?

[SmokinCohibas]

A guy is dating three women and can't decide which one to marry.
He gives each ?1,000 to see how well they can manage money. The first one spends ?800 and puts ?200 in the bank. The second one spends ?200 and puts ?800 in the bank. The third one puts the whole ?1,000 in the bank.
Which one does he end up marrying?

The one with the biggest tits.

[Robusto]

Fabulous! :D

[rokkitsci]

Okay.

So these two gay guys are standing on the San Francisco Golden Gate bridge taking in the sights when one of them suddenly points and asks his partner "Thay, what kind of a boat ith that?"

His friend(?) says, "Thilly boy, that'th a ferry boat."

"Fairy boat? Oh my goodneth; I knew we were organithed, but I didn't know we had a navy!"

[cohibaIV]

198

199

[cohibaIV]

Talk about a quickie!!!
>
> There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
> They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when
> one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings
> the two to life.
>
> The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred
> blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
> minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
>
> He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
>
> The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After
> fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
>
> The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, 'Would you care to
> do it again?' He asks her. 'Shall we?'
>
> She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time,
> I'll hold the pigeon down, and you $hit on its head.'
>
> .... AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

[Robusto]

Hehehehe... :D

[Montesmoke]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have sex with a nun.'

She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, You have to be single
#2, You must be Catholic.
# 3, I have to save my virginity, you will have to enter me from behind.

The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single, Catholic, and I'm happy to enter from behind!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, in a way that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish..'
.
.

.

.

.

..




The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to fancy dress party.':eek::D:D

[Wildwood]

Brilliant!! :D

[cohibaIV]

:eek::D:eek::D

[cohibaIV]

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
The Artist Formerly Known as Prince won't admit that he has one.
Clinton uses his all the time.
What is it?


Answer is below






Answer: A LAST NAME!
What were you thinking of?

[cohibaIV]

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said,
"Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked,
"Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said,
"Until I know where I'm heading,
I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

[cohibaIV]

An Scotsman, an Irishman and a Chinese man are hired at a building site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and stack of cement sacks.
And says to the Irishman, "You're in charge of shovelling"
To the Scotsman, "You're in charge of mixing"
To the Chinese man, "And you're in charge of supplies."
The foreman then tells them
"I have to go to the other side of the site,
while I'm away make some concrete"


The foreman returns a couple hours, the sand and cement are untouched.
The foreman asks the Irishman
"Why haven't you shoveled anything?"

The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel.
You left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."


He says to the Scotsman, "Why didn't you do any mixing?"


The Scotsman replies, "I couldn't get a mixer.
You left the Chinese chap in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."


The foreman is really fed up and storms off towards the pile of sand and cement
looking for the Chinese man.
Just then, the Chinese man jumps out from behind the stack of cement and shouts
"SUPPLIES!"

[cohibaIV]

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"
the divorce court judge said,
"and I've decided to give your wife ?275 a week."

"That's very fair, your honour,"
the husband said. "And every now
and then I'll try to send her a few quid myself."

[cohibaIV]

In the beginning, there was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.

The employees told their supervisors:
"It's a crock of shit and it stinks!"

The supervisors then told the department heads:
"It's a pail of dung, and none may abide by the odour."

The department heads then told the department managers:
"It's a container of excrement, and it is very strong such that none may smell it."

The department managers then told the senior managers:
"It is a vessel of fertiliser, and none may abide by its strength."

The senior managers then told the general manager:
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

The general manager told the directors:
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

The directors told the Chairman:
"It is very strong and will promote growth and efficiency of the system."

And the Chairman reviewed the plan, and said: "This is good."

And the plan became policy.
And this is how shit happens.

[Montesmoke]

What Clinton ACTUALLY said to Monica:
"Hold my calls and sack my cook"

:smoke:

[Montesmoke]

Prosecutor: Was Monica Lying?
Clinton: No she was kneeling:rock:

[Montesmoke]

It appears that some of the White House gifts to Monica are not returnable...
Rumour has it that Bill also gave Monica a pearl necklace:cowboyic9:

[Montesmoke]

What's the difference between Monica's blue dress and Bill Clinton?
The blue dress will eventually come clean:smoke:

[Montesmoke]

3 nuns die
3 nuns die in a car crash and they go up to heaven and Peters at the gate and he says before you come in i'm afraid you will have to answer a question so he says to the first nun don't worry the questions are very easy so he asks what was the name of the first woman and she says Eve and he says yep your in then he says to the second nun where did eve live and she says Garden of eden and he said yep your in then he says to the third nun which was the mother superior i'm affraid the question is going to have to be a bit harder for you so he asks what did Eve say when she first saw Adam and the nun says ooh thats a hard one and peter says yep your in:smoke:

[Montesmoke]

3 nuns
there were 3 nuns in the church 2 were crying 1 was laughing the preist walked up 2 a crying 1 and said 'why are u crying' the nun said i killed some 1 ,the priest said go drink from the holy water so he went up 2 the 2nd crying nun and said why are u crying she said' i stole a car' and he told her to drink from the holy water 2 then went up 2 the laughing nun and said why are u laughing she said' i peed in the holy water':biggrin1:

[Montesmoke]

A man walk into a bar said what its that he said it a bj frog. the bar man said take it to the back and it will give u a bj if u give it a ?5. so the man said ok so he took it to the back and had a bj come back in and said that was amazing can i buy it the bar man said no its not for sale the other man said i will buy it for ?1000 now so the bar man said ok so the man took it home put it on the side then his wife come home and said what is this the man said its a bj frog then the man said teach it to cook and clean and leave me alone.:eek:

[Montesmoke]

Cowboy and the Indians
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!":eek:

[Montesmoke]

2 canadian guys


Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.

"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."









"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

[Robusto]

A vicar books into a hotel and says to the receptionist:

I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.

The receptionist replies:

No, vicar. It's just regular porn, you sick bastard.

[Robusto]

A young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.

He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a pair of quality, fur lined leather gloves.

His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer, but the assistant mixed up the two items, so the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers!

Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.

If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to take off).

These are a very delicate shade, and the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me, and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.

She also said that they rub against her ring, which keeps it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow into them a little bit, because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

Love ,

Ron

P.S I thought you might like to know that my mum
likes to wear hers folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

:biggrin1:
:cowboyic9:

[Robusto]

Three men die in a plane crash and are waiting to enter heaven. St. Peter asks the first man,

"What did you do on Earth?"
Man 1: I was a doctor.
St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates.


St. P.: And what did you do on Earth?
Man 2: I was a school teacher.
St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates.


St. P.: And what did you do on Earth?
Man 3: I was a musician.
St. P.: Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen , along the corridor, turn left and third turning on the right...

[Robusto]

An Eskimo takes a holiday in Wales. His car overheats and starts making clanging noises on his way from Cardiff to Swansea, so he pulls over on the hard shoulder of the M4.

A Welshman in a white van pulls over and takes a look under the Eskimo's car bonnet.

"You've blown a seal", says the Welshman.

"So what? You fuck sheep", replies the Eskimo.

[Dean]

all made me chuckle. i dare not post any of mine in case i offend, so i will post my source instead, http://www.sickipedia.org

[SmokinCohibas]

A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don?t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don?t bark.

[SmokinCohibas]

While making love, he says:
- Darling, let's do 68!
- 68??? What's that?
- You do it to me and I'll owe you one.

[SmokinCohibas]

Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it is not on yet. :biggrin1:

[SmokinCohibas]

Two friends:
- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?
- Of course! How many people are coming?
- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.

[SmokinCohibas]

Two prostitutes, after Christmas holidays:
- What did you ask Santa Claus to give you?
- Hundred dollars, as usual.

[SmokinCohibas]

A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe. His boss starts to yell at him:
- You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the shoes.
The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.
- Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too.

[SmokinCohibas]

- Why do Scots watch porn films from the end to the beginning?
- Because they like a happy ending, when the prostitute gives the money back to the client. :biggrin1:

[SmokinCohibas]

It's hot summer, ninety degrees. A rabbit sits under the shadow of a tree and sharpens a stick with a knife.
A wolf passes by.
- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am sharpening this stick in order to kill a bear.
- ???
A vixen passes by.
- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am sharpening this stick in order to kill a bear.
- ???
The bear passes by.
- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am sharpening this stick and bullshiting.

[Montesmoke]

A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don?t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don?t bark.

Hilarious!!!:biggrin1:

[Robusto]

:biggrin1::biggrin1::biggrin1:

[cohibaIV]

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

[cohibaIV]

One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.

The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.

However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is:

If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.

[cohibaIV]

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"

The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"

He replies, "Because you're ugly."

[cohibaIV]

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[SmokinCohibas]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'

[SmokinCohibas]

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
:biggrin1:

[SmokinCohibas]

Poor guy! :

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
:biggrin1:

[SmokinCohibas]

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is." :biggrin1:

[SmokinCohibas]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without." :smile:

[Robusto]

A man went to his doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'

[SmokinCohibas]

Good one Robusto:smile:

[Robusto]

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one
evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her
in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and
then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his
hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower
stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm,
caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her
side, passed gently over
her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he
proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost
portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her
right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started
to watch the tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she
asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did
you stop?'





He said, 'I found the remote'.

[cohibaIV]

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[cohibaIV]

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[cohibaIV]

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/7O-z2ZFOZH4&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/7O-z2ZFOZH4&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

[Willie1]

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/up7QTxDc0PE&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/up7QTxDc0PE&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

Willie :smoke:

[Robusto]

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom...

[Willie1]

It's a pretty old joke, but I thought I'd mention it for the hell of it :)

What has an Osterich, a Pelican,and the Inland Revenue all got in common?...

They can all stick their bills up their arse :biggrin1:

Willie :smoke:

[cohibaIV]

Things you can only say at Christmas

1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5: I've never seen a better spread!

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7: Are you ready for seconds yet?

8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10: Don't play with your meat!

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14: You still have a little bit on your chin.

15: How long will it take after you put it in.

16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up

17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19: I've been gobbling nuts all morning

20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more. <o:p></o:p>

[larrysputnik]

OK, here's one:

knock-knock...

[cohibaIV]

Who's there?

[cohibaIV]

PLAY LOAD>>>>


http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=5_JmXCNPs6Y

[rokkitsci]

PLAY LOAD>>>>


http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=5_JmXCNPs6Y

Is there a version of this available with subtitles?

[linfield100]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Asda with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Asda greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Asda. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe someone would shag you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda.'

[cohibaIV]

ITS A MAN'S WORLD

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientist have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mothers-in-law.

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:"Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine."

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wishes, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a minute and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and then beat me half to death."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

[cohibaIV]

ETHOS OF TODAY'S RELIGIONS

Atheism
Shit Happens.

Hare Krishna
Shit Happens Rama Dama Ding Dong.

Hinduism
This shit happened before.

Islam
If shit happens, take a hostage.

Zen
What is the sound of shit happening.

Buddism
When shit happens, is it really shit?

Confucianism
Confucius say, "Shit Happens".

7th Day Adventist
Shit happens on Saturdays.

Protestantism
Shit won't happen if I work harder.

Catholicism
If shit happens, I deserve it.

Jehovah's Witness
Knock knock, shit happens.

Unitarian
What is this shit?

Judaism
Why does shit always happen to me?

Mormom
Shit happens again and again and again.

Rastafarian
Let's smoke this shit.

[cohibaIV]

THROW IT AWAY

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...

[G-man]

Not Really a joke but a Joke indeed !:eek:


<HR align=left width=600> <TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=600 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD colSpan=3><TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 rules=none width="100%" border=1 frame=box><TBODY><TR bgColor=#186196><TD class=frmDispHeader colSpan=3>

<HR align=left width=600> <TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=600 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD colSpan=3><TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 rules=none width="100%" border=1 frame=box><TBODY><TR bgColor=#186196><TD class=frmDispHeader colSpan=3>C- The Mighty Obama goes down in Muddville </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3><TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=frmDispText> </TD></TR><TR><TD class=frmDispText align=middle colSpan=3>http://www.cigarbid.com/auction/picpost/2288681.jpg </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
</TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3><TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=frmDispText> Batting average 000 welcome to the big leagues mr. president:849:
Even Cuba with its old dictator hits better then U. Strike 3 U out:(
</TD></TR><TR><TD class=frmDispText align=middle colSpan=3>
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[Mr Moore]

WHAT DID THE COPPER SAY TO THE COPPER THIEF...


DONT TAKE ALL OF ME IM NEEDED IN THIS BLEEDIN BOILER....


WAM POW YEEEHHHAAAARR

[Pantomimehorse]

My mate Dave drinks a litre of brake fluid a day, he claims he can stop whenever he wants....

[cj121]

My mate Dave drinks a litre of brake fluid a day, he claims he can stop whenever he wants....

I bet he'd be under pressure from someone though surely:smoke:

[cj121]

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_2lqbky-cSgg/RtJozrtE80I/AAAAAAAAAmQ/8bZ2B1TWNaQ/s400/sushi.jpg

Not sure if they do takeaways!:biggrin1:

[the mothman]

Yesterday I was having some work done at the Ford dealer. A woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten. We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred- ten?" <O:p</O:p
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there." <O:p</O:p
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710 !! <O:p</O:p
He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" <O:p</O:p
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there." <O:p</O:p
Now go to the photo below to learn what a 710 is..........


<O:p></O:p>
http://tensionnot.com/images/oil-cap.jpg

[celsis]

These are all heard in Dublin.

BTW, a Sham is a Shamrock Rovers supporter and the LUAS is the tram.

Future WAG's
Walking through Penneys in Omni, Santry and two girls (velure
tracksuits,
high pony tails, the works) are shopping.
Blonde girl: "I'd love dat dress, but me legs will look huge in
it."(bare
in mind she was about a size 8)
Brunette: ""all ye need is a birre confidence Amy. You don't want to be
payin for yer own drinks all yer life, do ye?"
Overheard by Jessi, Omni, Santry.


Take That!
At the 'Take That' concert in Croke Park. The queue outside the ladies
during an interval was very long. Not wanting to miss the show a few
care-free ladies decided to avail of the under-used Gents facility, but
were surprised to be met by a guy in his thirties complaining... "What
the
F*** are ye women doing in here in the gents toilets?" Most were quietly
embarrassed but were delighted to hear a young Dublin lady respond..
"What
the F*** are you doing at a Take That concert?" before watching the guy
squirm back out the toilet door with no more to say for himself.
Overheard by Paul Greham, Did'nt hear it meself obviously. The wife was
tellig me.


Strict Dress Code!!!
Two lads from Dublin (dressed in snickers gear!) making a delivery to a
Dunnes Stores in Cork. The manager stops them at the back door and tells
them they cant come inside without a hi-vis vest on.
"No problem" says the older fella, "Can we just borrow two from the
store
while we drop the stock off?"
"Ah no" says the manager "that's only one issue. I cant let yis in
dressed
like that lads, it's slacks and black shoes only."
With that the younger fella comes out with a classic: "Jaysus, we're not
trying to get into a f**king nightclub!"
Overheard by Daithi, Dunnes Stores, Cork


Asking for it
Mary Harney election poster in Finglas - political slogan "Don't throw
it
away!" ...added speech bubble "I'll eat it!"
Overheard by Ciara, Finglas


Great aunt
Sitting on the Luas a woman in her early 30s comes on screaming down the
mobile phone
"I don't effing care how long you're with her...you're only 19 for eff
sake
and that young wan is what...16? but that's not even what is really
p*ssing
me off you've made me a great aunt at the ripe old age of 32 ya little
B*****d."
Overheard by Sarah, Jervis stop


Recession Busting
Was on the 150 bus at christchurch the other day were there was 3 shams
taking their time to cross the road (you know the type, smokes in there
ear, tracksuit bottoms tucked into the stockins)anyway as the bus was
hurdling towards them the driver pops up and shouts 3 for the price of
1,
what reccesion???
The whole bus was in hysterics.
Overheard by patrick, 150 bus


Monday Blues..
First thing in the morning, double science. Junior cert revision
yeoooo..
Anyway, biology..human reproduction.
*Teacher* What happens to make babies people?!
*Class* Looks to desk.
*Teacher* Ok, Ok what the first thing we need.
*Student down back* Alcohol.
Class and Teacher crack up..bloody brilliant!!
Overheard by Ginge!!, School


Don't mess with the bus pass holders
On Dublin bus, at bus stop a little old lady gets on to enquire when her
next bus will be arriving:
Old lady to driver: "Will the next bus be long?"
Smartass Driver: "About the same length as this one luv"
Old Lady(without a moments hesitiation): "Really? And will it be driven
by
a little bollicks like you?"
Overheard by Maeve, Dublin bus


Nothing But Time
Was at a petrol station last night at around 12 with my mate. We were
sitting in the car, when this women comes up and asks "Do you know if
there
is a shop open this late where I could buy a childs bottle?" and I reply
"Yes, there is a 24 hour Tesco up the road there." Then she asks "Would
it
be open now?".
Overheard by Sean, Drogheda


How to empty a LUAS
On the Luas coming out of town one afternoon during the week. As we got
to
Blackhorse the driver made an announcement
"Ladies & Gents there are 2 plain clothes ticket inspectors getting on
at
this stop so could you please have your tickets at hand for convenience
thank you."
When we pulled up to the stop 2 people did get on and about 50 got off
and
stood on the platform, clearly waiting on the next Luas.
When we pulled away the driver got back on the intercom, laughing and
said
"I was only joking, there's no such thing as a plain clothes ticket
inspector, I just wanted to see how many people got on without paying!!"
Overheard by Lynn, On the Luas

[moidoid]

Four old, old friends, had lost touch but thirty years after they left school they all met up over a beer and a smoke and caught up with each other.

Jim had a call of nature and went to the Gents and while he was away the conversation turned to their respective children.

" I'm so proud of my boy", said Dave. " He qualified as a Doctor, runs the surgical team at a big London hospital and has a lovely wife and kids. He's such a good guy too. Last week he took his friend out on the water for the first time and he liked it so much he gave him the speedboat. What a generous guy..."

"Hey", said Phil, "my boy turned out well too. Started with no qualifications and joined a city firm as a tea-boy. He now manages the biggest department in the organisation and makes a stack of money. He's a good husband and father and has a garage with 15 classic cars. but he's generous too. It was his friend's birthday last week and he gave him a Ferrari from his collection, just like that. What a guy..."

"My kid is one in a million", said Joe. "We got him a computer when he was a kid and he never looked back. He runs the biggest software house in the country, lives in a mansion in Surrey, flats in London, Tokyo, New York and a villa in Rome. He has two beautiful boys of his own and their mother is a movie star. I'm so proud. But he doesn't have a big head. He is generous to his friends too. He took his friend to stay with them in the flat in New York and the friend liked it so much he just gave him the keys. What a guy..."

Poor old Jim had missed all this but when he came back from the bathroom his friends asked him if he had kids.

" I have a son who is very precious to me. He is all I have. He went off the tracks when his mother died and stopped going to school. He went to live in a squat and started drinking and doing drugs. He nearly died.
With my help he cleaned up and started renting a flat and he works as an escort in a gay bar in the West End."

"Wow", said Phil, " You must be disappointed".

"Not at all", said Jim. " I still have my son, alive and well and doing what he wants to do. In any case he makes a load of money from these rich guys he sees. Only last week he got given a speedboat, a Ferrari and a flat in New York by three of his punters. What a guy..."


:p

[cohibaIV]

REASONS WHY CIGARS ARE BETTER THAN SEX

• You can GET cigars.

• You can safely have cigars while you are driving.

• You can make cigars last as long as you want them to.

• You can have cigars even in front of your mother.

• Two people of the same sex can have cigars without being called nasty names.

• The word "commitment" doesn't scare off cigars.

• You can have cigars on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

• You can ask a stranger for a cigar without getting your face slapped.

• You don't get hairs in your mouth with cigars.

• With cigars there's no need to fake it.

• Cigars don't make you pregnant.

• You can have cigars at any time of the month.

• Good cigars are easy to find.

• You can have as many kinds of cigars as you can handle.
• When you have great cigars it doesn't keep your neighbours awake

• With cigars size doesn't matter. It's ALL good!

[kingcohiba]

a sailor came into a port after a year out on the sea without a woman. he went to the local cat house and said i havent been with a woman for over a year, what do you have for me?

the woman at the counter took him down a hall and said we are pretty busy today, all i have for you is what is behind this door. he went inside and there in the middle of the empty room was a rubber chicken. he said oh well, and had sex with the rubber chicken. after that he left.

he came back the next day and said to the lady, do you have anything for me today? she took him down the hall again only to a different room this time. right next door to the room he was in the day before. she said all i have today for you is in this room right here. he walked in and there were about a dozen people looking through a little hole in the wall. curious, he went up to all the people and said what are you looking at? whats going on in there. a man said there is a woman in there with a donkey! the sailor said really? the man said yeah! you should have been here yesterday, a guy was in here having sex with a rubber chicken!

[whisky77]

Blonde Mortician<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'<o:p></o:p>
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>

[cj121]

:smoke::smoke::smoke::smoke:
Like it Craig, made me chuckle:smile: