View Full Version : I never thought it would happen to me

25-01-2010, 03:45 PM
But damned if I didn't get bombed!


Blindsided, as it were. Never saw it coming.

So I get this cute, little packet Friday last from Merry Olde Ingleland with no outward identification of from whom it may have been sent from whom and no bloody idea what it may contain, having not boughten, traded, requested or expected any some such of which from.

"I know," sez I. "Let's open it, eh, and p'raps find out what it may (or may not) contain and from whenceforth it may (or may not) have issued."

Pretty clever of me, I thought.

So that's indeed what I did.

And out pops a cute, little bubble wrap wrapped parcel and a printed note. Quickly scanning to the bottom of the full page missive which has been transmitted to me across the dark and dangerous waters, I immediately espy the perpetrator of this nefarious benefaction: None other than our own La KittyDoor!

Now I know the identity of the originator, yet I know still not what he has wrought, nor why.

"I know," sez I. "Let's read the content of the Ms. and p'raps find out why I have become the receptacle of this unsolicited bonanza."

Pretty clever of me, I thought.

So that's indeed what I did.

And here's what I read:

Greetings fellow "Brother of the Leaf"

As a highly decorated scholar and connoisseur in the mysterious and noble art of "The Seegar," you have been specially chosen to receive this highly prized and prestigious award (see the enclosed).

Our panel of judges (well, just me actually) voted unanimously to grant you this "honour" in recognition for the hard work and dedication you have shown in promoting the cause" of "Brotherly Seegarness" internationally.

For the record, it is the first such accolade to be bestowed upon a BOTL from the "Honourable and Ancient Yankidoodle Sect," so we (well, I mean I) hope you treasure it and treat it with the reverence it deserves. I.e., flushing it down the "bog" (or "rest room" as you guys call it) or "flogging" it on eBay would be regarded as "unacceptable" and may well result in a diplomatic incident "me old china."

Also included, for your delight and delectation are four, yes four (let's count them, one, two, three, four!) of the Worlds Finest "Tea" bags.

Now, I understand you fellas over there don't generally hold miuch with the "Tea," particularly after that unpleasant business back in Boston (time to let bygones be bygones methinks). However, we here BOTL's from this side of the pond think it's about time you heathens were re-introduced to the exotic pleasures of another kind of Leaf.

So, as a tribute to you, and all your tireless work, I have enclosed the very finest "brew" bags in existence for your enjoyment. These babies are the "Tea" equivalent to a Cohiba Gran Reserva and, I guarantee, will transform you [sic] smoking habits.

In addition, I have also decided to break ranks with the "tea drinkers Guild" and reveal to you (a "foreigner" of the Goddam US of A persuasion), how "Tea" should actually be made.

First off, forget about poncey little china cups, this is a man’s tea, blended to put hairs on yer chest and a crack up yer arse! What you’ll need is a “mug,” think something around the size of a Starbucks “grande” vessel.

Place one tea bag in the bottom of your “mug” and boil some water in a kettle. (You do have those over there don’t you?) Ideally use the finest water you have available (non-sparking [sic], obviously), tap water is for teeth.

Once the “kettle” has boiled, wait for a moment (we don’t want to scorch those delicate little leaves do we?), then fill your “mug” to slightly more than three quarters full. Stir gently a couple of times (clockwise if we’re going to be pedantic about it, and why not?), and then leave for approximately “seven” minutes (anything less is a criminal offence over here and is punishable by forceful confiscation of “one’s” biscuits).

When the allotted time has elapsed, stir gently again (four times in a clockwise direction), before using the underside of your “Teaspoon” to gently “mash” the teabag against the side of the “mug.” This will ensure that all the “Tea-y goodness” is introduced to the water. You may now remove the “Tea bag” and add just enough milk to make the aromatic and unctuous liquid turn brown (somewhere between “Colorado” and “Maduro” in colour).

Under no circumstances are you to add “sugar!” If you’re not man enough to drink your “brew” as nature intended, then you should just resign yourself to a life unfulfilled, and drown your sorrows in cheap coffee and “Tab!”

This joyous immolation [?] in water will render to you, it’s lucky recipient, a truly euphoric experience, which, can only be enhanced by the addition of a fine “Seegar.”

Enjoy my friend and tell no-one of the dark magic I have bestowed upon you!

Your faithful servant.

El Catador

Of the “Seegar” Appreciation Society (Ye Grande Olde Britski Chapter).

ROFL, chortle, snark! Thought this was so clever, showed it to my lovely wife of lo these many years. "Holy fucking shit!" exclaims she, "this fucking Limey sounds like a British version of you!"

Welp, those weren't her words exactly, but it conveys the context, if you get my meaning, and I think you do.

Ennywaze, so I am now the proud recipient of four of the Worlds Finest Tea bags which I cannot wait to try (once I have made a suitable flowchart of the rather complex instruction set, lest I muck up the preparation) and experience the majikal attainment of True Enlightenment which I am sure it will provide me. Note, btw, that since these aforementioned Worlds Finest Tea bags have absolutely no identifying features, I felt no need to display them here for your viewing pleasure, since they look like... well... ah... tea bags.

Another story entirely, the other part of my prestigious award!

With trembling hands, I carefully unwrap the portion of the packet which is obviously not tea bags, it being of firm construction and weighing significantly more than would four bags of chopped up leaves.

And what do I find?



OMFG!!! A goddamm engraved seegar cutter! (Sorry for lousy picture but I had lighting problems what with the reflective nature of the shiny [stainless steel? silver? platinum?] construction of this magnificent device.

I am become teary-eyed and must needs take a moment to compose myselves.

Howmsomever, I am a trifle mystified owing to the rather minuscule size of this lurvely pièce de hardware (it measures approximately the size of a paper matchbook) and wonder if this is the reason you britfolk seem to favo(u)r those poncey little petit coroners size stoughies over the real MAN SIZE double coronas and suchlike. So, after a bit of fumbling, I manage to figger out how to open this sucker (I am, after all, a rokkit scientist) and it does this transformer thingy into a fucking guillotine!


which I have never seen before and which scares the shit out of me and, I am forced to admit, causes me to drop the shiny, slickery, little torture device.

Down mine pantaloons. Whereupon a great gush of blood ensued.

The people at the emergency room (after they had stopped laughing) said that they had never before seen anyone ever re-circumsize theirselfs in quite such a manner.

Thus the reason for not posting earlier.

But now, I would like to take this opportunity to thank the entire panel of judge who voted me this great, great hono(u)r. I shall cherish this award (even though I don't know what it is called) forever (maybe even longer), and will place it in the most prominent position amongst my many, many other awards (all of which have names, btw) which have been bestowed upon me on account of which I am such a nice guy and also devilishly handsome.

I would also like to thank my mother, my father, the great and powerful Oz, my agent, all my loyal and loving fans, the guy at the corner who sells me those stale bagels in the morning, and my 3rd grade teacher, Mrs. Lipshinsky, who introduced me to the mysteries of life.


25-01-2010, 03:50 PM
Very nice! Top bombing!

25-01-2010, 03:51 PM
Awesome... :849:
Well done El Catador :rock:

25-01-2010, 03:56 PM
bloody brilliant bombing, El Gato...:biggrin1:

Are you two sure that you are not related? You both do think (write) alike. :smile:

Enjoy your new cutter, Rokkitman! well-deserved...

25-01-2010, 04:02 PM
Great bomb there! well done El Catador

25-01-2010, 04:04 PM
Brilliant stuff, well done El Catador!

Lee Nub
25-01-2010, 04:09 PM
Nice George, and well done El Cat, but hey, i bombed you back at christmas you forgetfull old bugger

25-01-2010, 04:18 PM
Nice George, and well done El Cat, but hey, i bombed you back at christmas you forgetfull old bugger

thats what happens when you get old, Lee...:biggrin1:

25-01-2010, 04:23 PM
Well and truly spoken, Le Dubmeister. Indeed you did. Was those delightful plush llama slippers or somesuch, wonnit?

Nice George, and well done El Cat, but hey, i bombed you back at christmas you forgetfull old bugger

25-01-2010, 04:25 PM
Great bomb. Get cutting!

Lee Nub
25-01-2010, 04:33 PM

25-01-2010, 06:07 PM

Nice one El Catador... :top:

Cheers, HabanoSy

25-01-2010, 06:20 PM
i cant think of a more worthy recipient nice one cat

25-01-2010, 06:27 PM
Thats a fine thing ya done lad !

25-01-2010, 06:33 PM
looks great!

25-01-2010, 08:12 PM
blimey! cried tears of joy reading that post.

well done gents, standing ovation!

25-01-2010, 08:41 PM
I think one word will suffice.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

25-01-2010, 09:19 PM
Fantastic gift to a great bloke. Top bombing El Cat.:rock:

25-01-2010, 11:22 PM
And thus today for a new boy i learn the art of bombing... nice 1

25-01-2010, 11:26 PM
Good stuff EC, and going to a well deserve-ed fellow:thumb:

Big J
26-01-2010, 08:07 AM
Great Bomb!

26-01-2010, 08:48 AM
Fantastic gift to a great bloke. Top bombing El Cat.:rock:

Well done Cat!

El Catador
26-01-2010, 10:27 AM
Well that's torn it.
I take a couple of days off to help out on a humanitarian mission (distributing La Perla underwear to the underprivileged lap-dancers of deepest, darkest, Essex) and come back to find that 'all hell' has broken loose.
Sitting waiting for me on the hall mat yesterday was a letter from the 'Tea Drinkers Guild' of Ye Grande Olde and Merry Engerlandski.
'Blimey' sez I (Well, more like OMFG, but that's not the point) , opening it with trembling hands I find the following note handwritten (in blood):

'Dear ...Esteemed colleague, Yada, yada, it has come to our attention that you have recently disgraced the traditions of our venerable and ancient institution by revealing our sacred and arcane tea mashing methods to an 'outsider'. A dangerous and deviant member of the Oobaamaa Empire, (southern tribe no less). For this flagrant breech of policy we are hereby notifying you of our intention toooo ....., Excuse me, I had to break off for a cup of tea at this point as I was becoming weak from loss of blood.
*Note - from this point on the rest of the letter is written in ink*
call you to a disciplinary hearing on Tuesday the 26th of January at 8.00am to explain your actions. Failure to provide an adequate explanation will result in your permanent expulsion from the guild and the irrevocable withdrawal of your tea drinkers licence.

I hope this letter finds you well
Yours Sincerely
Group Captain Barrington Fortiscue OBE'

Well brothers, you can imagine my distress, here I was facing the terrible possibility of a permanent 'de-bagging'! Without tea, I might as well go and live in America (Yes, it really was as bad as that!).

However, (here the tale takes an even more surprising twist), late last night the two blond Eastern European sisters who I brought back from 'Peppermint Walrus' (I'm helping to rehabilitate them), woke me up to tell me that they'd heard a strange voice emanating from the TV.

Apparently it was some strange hypnotic mantra that just kept repeating itself over and over for about twenty minutes.

They went on to describe the voice as somewhat like 'Telly Savalas' in 'On Her Majesty's Secret Service' (The criminally underrated 'Bond' film). It kept saying:
'This is the Rocket Scientist, you must empty the contents of your humidor and place them in airtight bags ready for posting. I will tell you when, I will tell you where, and I will tell you how. In the morning you will wake refreshed and remember nothing of this conversation.'

Well, 'bugger me', sez I. That devious swine rokkitsci has been up to no good again with that darn Sooper-Sekrit Brain Communicator and combination pedicure kit thingy, you know the one that allows him to talk directly into someones head.
And now the penny drops, 'So that's why I felt the strange compulsion to send out that rabbit neutering device, I should have known!'.

Anyhow, to cut a long story slightly shorter, I'm pleased to report that, thankfully, the 'Tea Drinkers Guild' have accepted my plea of diminished capability due to the hypnotic suggestion that was implanted whilst under the influence of an evil 'brain washer', and have re-instated my tea drinkers license. Praise the Lord.

I just wanted to put this up as a cautionary tale to warn my fellow brothers out there who may have fallen victim to such nefarious (and downright unsporting) plot-tings.

P.S. The tea is, of course, 'Yorkshire Tea' specially selected and blended by Taylors of Harrogate'. Accept no substitute - only monkeys (no offence monkey) drink that other rubbish!

26-01-2010, 03:20 PM

I still swear you two are related. :biggrin1:

Lee Nub
26-01-2010, 03:29 PM
Lmao, you two need to write a sit-com together

26-01-2010, 04:27 PM

I still swear you two are related. :biggrin1:

Nah... they are actually the same person. El Catador doens't know but he was actually cloned from some of Rokkitsci skin... or maybe it is the other way around?

26-01-2010, 09:28 PM
Whoops , I fear one may have wet oneself. As they say up here this post is "gold". so feckin funny.:biggrin1:

27-02-2010, 12:28 AM
So how do you bomb someone without them knowing then?

27-02-2010, 01:17 AM
So how do you bomb someone without them knowing then?

do a little investigative work, just like you did snapping those pics of the dry ass humi :biggrin1:

27-02-2010, 11:28 AM
So how do you bomb someone without them knowing then?

You put your nose to the field and find what your after !
OK I'll help ! Just ask around and someone has the dirt on
the party your lookin to bomb !

27-02-2010, 11:35 AM
Yeah thats what i figured, i was wondering because when i joined the forum it gave the option to put your own address details in, so i assumed that folks did that and the info would be in their persoanl settings.. lol its not!! was just thinking a head of myself thats all. :smoke:

27-02-2010, 11:42 AM
Yeah thats what i figured, i was wondering because when i joined the forum it gave the option to put your own address details in, so i assumed that folks did that and the info would be in their persoanl settings.. lol its not!! was just thinking a head of myself thats all. :smoke:

Yeah .... wisest not to put 'em on Eggy .... or Google maps!

27-02-2010, 12:10 PM
HAhahahahahah :biggrin1: :biggrin1: :biggrin1:

That was astonishing hahahaha !!!!!! AWESOME :biggrin1:

09-03-2010, 10:18 PM
If I had a heart, it would be warm after reading this thread.

Top stuff ole chap.

09-03-2010, 11:52 PM
The Tea Rokit? What about the Tea!!!!!

10-03-2010, 12:41 AM
The Tea Rokit? What about the Tea!!!!!

yeah, good question!!! :smile: