Separation

[Kickback]

Not been on here for some time.
Marriage finished. After 20 years relationship and two young girls my wife just announced out the blue that she doesn't want us to be together any more as she has different interests now.
Suffice to say I'm devastated and can't think straight. Don't want to loose my kids or everything else I've worked hard for.
Anyone been through similar?
How did you cope?

[puropunch]

sorry to hear.

Never been through anything like that but try and have a smoke and take some time to yourself. I always find a bit of clarity with a nice drink and a smoke. Chin up! there is always light at the end of the tunnel

[PeeJay]

I was only married four years with no kids but she left for the same reasons. I've now been married for 33 years and am still happy. There will be someone else and you won't lose your kids.

[oskihen]

Yep been there got the t shirts, all I'll say on the matter is, there is light at the end of the tunnel and you've a hard road ahead, but my advice to you and you ex is put your girls first. Please try and let personal difference sit on the back burner and try and get some sort of normality and routine together as quick as possible for their sake. Kids like routine and will quickly adapt and what ever you do don't put them in the middle

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[Vitola]

Yep been there got the t shirts, all I'll say on the matter is, there is light at the end of the tunnel and you've a hard road ahead, but my advice to you and you ex is put your girls first. Please try and let personal difference sit on the back burner and try and get some sort of normality and routine together as quick as possible for their sake. Kids like routine and will quickly adapt and what ever you do don't put them in the middle

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Heartily agree with [MENTION=13409572]oskihen[/MENTION] - remember whatever your differences, I can't stress enough to not use your kids and to put the girls first in all of this. Both you and your ex' should try to be grown up over how you all move forward. Things may look bleak now, it's a big shock, but with each step forward there will be light at the end - just remember to be kind to yourself throughout, so you can be strong for your girls

[Horsebox]

Sorry to hear this, Kickback. Can't offer any advice but I wish you all well getting through it.

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[Stevo]

Not been on here for some time.
Marriage finished. After 20 years relationship and two young girls my wife just announced out the blue that she doesn't want us to be together any more as she has different interests now.
Suffice to say I'm devastated and can't think straight. Don't want to loose my kids or everything else I've worked hard for.
Anyone been through similar?
How did you cope?

Hi. I have been through something similar. I'll give you my take on it and you can choose to pick out anything that may be relevant and bin the rest!!! These are my do's and don't's.......it's not meant to be a lecture or anything of the sort so please don't take it that way.

Talk to one another. Put the children first. Above all else I would recommend this. It's ok to use a professional mediator. Add in raw emotions, the undoubted family input or 'wisdom', friends opinions and it is so easy to lose sight if what is important. You are parents first.

What I would say is that now is the time to lean on your friends. Some will run away. They are not your friends. They're probably the same ones who always turn up for a party or a get together but never seem to return the favour. The ones who stand with you, and stay, are. They will support you all the way and your friendship will not decline. Don't try and do this alone - it is incredibly hard.

Don't turn to the bottle - it doesn't care, despite it's ever-readiness to join you.

Just take it day by day. Things will get easier, eventually.
And finally, I will say this: sometimes if you love something you have to set it free. Maybe it will return, maybe it won't.
I wish you all the absolute best - you're not alone.

[Kickback]

Thanks for your kind words.
No bottle hitting in fact the opposite.
I've lost 4kg since the bomb shell and started running.
First time in my marriage I've started putting me first instead of last.

[Kickback]

No closure yet on this. She's now decided that she doesn't know if she wants to separate. Apparently I need to give her more time to decide what she wants.
I would have thought she'd plenty of time before dropping the bombshell on my birthday weekend.
Anyway going to treat myself to a cigar tomorrow.

[Emaresee]

No closure yet on this. She's now decided that she doesn't know if she wants to separate. Apparently I need to give her more time to decide what she wants.
I would have thought she'd plenty of time before dropping the bombshell on my birthday weekend.
Anyway going to treat myself to a cigar tomorrow.

think you deserve that smoke chap...

someone mentioned mediation above... I've seen it work really well for friends with children... its all together less hostile and / seems to bring a more settled response.
In other circumstances i've seen guys get taken for a ride because they weren't prepared to be as unpleasant as their partner - that's what a decent solicitor is for... when asked they do the things you don't want/ can't do. I hope it doesn't come to that for you and your family.

Keep running, I hate it, but it helps you relax, oxygenate, get perspective and will level your blood pressure just a touch! it also gives some of that time for t'other to think.

best of luck.

[moteyi]

I can sympathise to some extent - attended my first consultation with a Relate councillor this evening with my wife of 27 years. Hopefully she will agree to go forward with counselling and we can find a way forward. Thankfully our kids are a lot older than yours, but still not easy.

[Kickback]

I propsed councilling at the outset. She saw no reason.

[moteyi]

I propsed councilling at the outset. She saw no reason.

If she is having second thoughts on separation, now might be the time to bring it up again. Best of luck.

[Kickback]

It may be but I've had such an emotional kicking of late, and the obvious vitriol spouted at me, I'm not sure I want to put myself up for that again.

[PeeJay]

Some things once said can't be taken back sadly