Ask TJ - The Forum's Agony Aunt

[whisky77]

Sock.

What about my god damned sock TJ?
My foot is freezing!Tried your previous suggestion but it affected my ability to smoke my cigars properly.

[TJCoro]

Foot fetish!

Senor Booze writes:,

What about my god damned sock TJ?
My foot is freezing!

Senor Booze,

Your sock is on your head, mate!

Given a choice, amigo, what would you protect frist, your feet or your puro puffin' hole? I think we all know the answer to this one.

However, it if you must do something, I suggest you stick a few of your puro matches between each toe and spark away.

That'll do it.

[Drewmidorn]

Thankyou TJ...

So much wisdom in one so young.

D

[TJCoro]

De nada, amigo.

Thankyou TJ...

So much wisdom in one so young.

D

You're more than welcome, senor Drewmidorn.

Happy to help.

Okay...Who's next?

Names TJ, TJCoro, and I always consult with Catalina first.

[Kdot]

Dear Auntie TJ,

I'm a long time reader, first time writer and must start by saying I love your column.

here's my dilemma, There's a nice girl that moved round my way last week, not too flabby and from the lack of skid marks on her underwear on the washing line, she appears relatively clean.

She's newly single so I think I should make a move, but don't know quite how to go about it. Should I offer her a few puffs on my cigar???

[Robusto]

Dear TJ.

When you are done with Scotsmen puffing skid marks, can you tell me what to do with my grey hair?

It started when I was 28 and has never stopped.

When Sarneeece, my hairdresser. tickles my scalp and excites me, that's hard-making nice.

When she starts snipping my curlies, it all tumbles down the black cape she swaddles me in like a waterfall of staples. I go all quiet.

I have tried off-the-shelf products to black my hair up such as Just For Men. I've tried all the shades. The darker they turn me, the more of a gibbon I become. This is no petting zoo yet the public shrieks here.

Pleasant people - like my wife - tell me I look distinctive, demure, educated with hair the colour of railway rails. I actually want to look like a person with black hair who is a tough shit as a by-line.

Should I shelve out ?80 odd a month in my salon, only to see grey roots screaming at me like a lady's hair-do after two weeks?

Should I get all muff shaved off and go round as a scalped one Commando style? Like an ugly Beckham as was?

I don't know where to turn.

I work in a smiling, tambourine swinging would-be hip profession with people who are fascist to the core beneath their toenails. If they knew I was a lover of the legit weed, they'd staple gun me to the bikesheds.

All I want is to have black hair and to be able to pull more pneumatic babes over my Becks in the break between sets at the Bulge and Foreplay.

Please help. I feel like a civil servant who can no longer squeal.

[Robusto]

Dear TJ

I've got a cigar tube stuck.
Please help asap.

[nicwing]

It's not that Petit Edmundo again is it? I warned you about him.

[Robusto]

No, Nic.
It's that Gloria Cubana.
He's quite odd.

[nicwing]

No, Nic.
It's that Gloria Cubana.
He's quite odd.

Hense the Gloria hole

[Stevieboy]

Hense the Gloria hole

Nic - you should be ashamed of yourself.

[TJCoro]

The Coros take a holiday!

Senors,

The Coros are leaving for holiday in the Cayman Islands on Saturday and will be gone for 10 days. If wifi is available, one of us will try to respond to your queries. Until then, be good muchachos.

The Coros

[Robusto]

Have a good holiday, mate.
I'll find a magnet or summat.
Don't worry about me, or anything. xxxxx

[nicwing]

I've always thought of CJ as a very understanding chap with a slightly sideways view of life (due in part by being kite powered I suspect) maybe we could have an ask CJ thread for the next 10 days?

If this suggestion meets your approval please kick of the thread with your concerns and problems my little stogietokingchums!

[Robusto]

Why don't some of the supermarkets stock Clinomyn, TJ?
Why do I always have to divert somewhere ghastly like Supadrug to get it?

Is this prejudice?
Shall we organise a hit squad?