Advice from your life experience

[Monkey]

Hi guys,

First, pardon me for bringing my personal issue to the forum.
Yesterday, I broke up with my partner of 4 years, because she recently had begun sleeping with another man.

I'm absolutely destroyed, as I have poured every part of my emotional self into that relationship, and have done such a huge amount, been such a supportive partner to her. Without meaning to sound up my own arse, in comparison to most guys my age, I have been a fucking amazing partner to have.

Anyway, we've had a rough time recently, and the result appears to be this. I'm seething that she didn't think it'd be just a better idea to leave me before she went off with another guy.


So my point of posting this here. I run a forum where I am given much support, which I appreciate enourmously. However pretty much everyone is very young.
Obviously, this forum has a wide range in terms of age group, with plenty of you old enough to have considerable life experience (please take that as a compliment on my part). Perhaps some of you could offer me advice on how a situation like this has turned out for the best? How has such a hurtful experience been the best thing for you in the long term?

Again, sorry for this, but I'm desperate to put a positive spin on this. I already know that for many other reasons than this cock-up, i am far better of without her. If I'd have had the balls, I would have finished it 2 years ago when I first felt things were going downhill, but I am a very solitary person, and the prospect of how lonely I'm about to become again scares me enourmously. I'd just appreciate any positive words you can give me, help fix me.

Thanks,
Tom

[Lascaux]

from your posts you sound like a smart guy

were you absolutely happy right up until the end or were you having doubts/feeling bad before it ended?

[Jimmeh]

I am not sure if i qualify to answer this question - as I am a young guy in your area - which it sounds like you have an abundance of them to talk to already - but all i can say - is you should be happy that you now have the opportunity to find the girl that deserves you and isn't going to sleep away....

[Paulie]

Sorry to hear that, it's never easy.

I really think you may want to reconsider this thread. You only broke up yesterday and have probably started this when high on emotion. Situations like these are very personal and until the person can get their own thoughts clear in their head it is often counter productive to listen to others offering their opinions and thoughts. Mainly as they are based on what they are told, when only two people ever know the full story.

I think you are brave to ask for help/advice from in effect, strangers! Perhaps you may want to give yourself a few days or weeks as it was a long relationship at a young age before asking for help.

[Robusto]

You are young.
You will get over this.

If I am faced with situations that challenge me - and that includes relationship issues - I try like mad to follow this 'advice' below that a teacher once wrote on a blackboard.

Laugh - and the world laughs with you.
Weep - and you weep alone.

I'm sorry if that doesn't help your situation currently. All I can say is that it has got me through a lot of crap over the years.

Just try not to let yourself go too low, and spend time with friends.

Sorry about what has happened. And good luck.
There are plenty of other babes in the ocean.

[Jimmeh]

Sorry to hear that, it's never easy.

I really think you may want to reconsider this thread. You only broke up yesterday and have probably started this when high on emotion. Situations like these are very personal and until the person can get their own thoughts clear in their head it is often counter productive to listen to others offering their opinions and thoughts. Mainly as they are based on what they are told, when only two people ever know the full story.

I think you are brave to ask for help/advice from in effect, strangers! Perhaps you may want to give yourself a few days or weeks as it was a long relationship at a young age before asking for help.

Wise words.

[Robusto]

Yup. Wise words.

[Drewmidorn]

Hi Monkey,

I'm sorry to hear about this. it sounds very similar to a situation I was in about 5 years ago. Ultimately my fiancee married my writing partner and co owner of my studio. So over night I lost my fiancee, a close fiend, my house, my studio and my writing partner. At the time I was destroyed.

However the way I came to terms with it is that the sort of woman I want to be with won't sleep with my pall. Therefore if she does she isn't the woman I want to be with. the only thing that helps is to not blame yourself and trust me that time is a great healer. I realised that they both did me a favour in the long term, although it really didn't feel like it at the time.

It has been and done. Dwelling on it doesn't help you, but I understand that that is much easier said than done. Find it in yourself to forgive them both because any negative feelings you have for her or him only hurts you.

She probably feels quite guilty for what she has done. if she doesn't she is a nasty piece of work. This is probably why she found it difficult to hurt you by "just leaving you". She was probably confused about her feelings.

I'm not sure how much this has helped. Maybe not at all, in which case ignore what I have said. The one fact is that you will feel better in time. Seize the opportunity to catch up with old friends and do new things.

All the best

Drew

[Stevieboy]

Jeez Tom...sorry to hear that mate...

[TJCoro]

You'll Get Through This....

First of all, senor Monkey, you are young and this won't be the last time you experience such pain. So buckle up and hold on tight, it's gonna' get a bit bumpy!

There is very little you can do at the moment to heal the pain that feels like it won't go away. Sadly, this is the price we pay for accepting the wonderful times at the start of any relationship. But know this, everything in this life comes to an end at some point - EVERYTHING!

My advice would be to bravely journey through it and try to understand that this too, will fade away in time, although it probably feels at the moment like it will go on forever, especially since you likely have very little experience to draw from. But one day I swear you will awaken to to find that your puros seem to taste a wee bit better, food actually has flavor, and the birds - ahhh, the birds - are looking quite fine.

In the meantime, don't be afraid to lean on your friends - the ones who will be there to silently support you - and remember to wake up each morning and breath...Breath!

I swear time will relieve the pain, if you allow it to. And one day you'll realize the pain ain't as bad as before.

That's life, I guess. But as the wise ol' minstrel James Taylor - who saw his share of pain - once wrote in his finest hour - "I wish I were a baby, sittin' on my mama's knee; I wish I were an old man, and love was through with me." *

And if you don't believe me, ask the Forum Geezer, Senor Robusto. He's well on the other side of midnight

All our best!

Catalina Joy and the Coros

*J. Taylor, "I was a fool to care'

[Stevieboy]

Nice advice TJ...you big softy

[G-man]

Have been in your same situation only was married. Its a hard lesson learned but non the less a lesson. Give this post a couple of days,weeks to rest and in that time find out what makes you happy. You seem to love yourself, Don't misunderstand this phrase. She on the other hand doesn;t love herself or respect herself enough. You loving yourself is why U will ride through this and become even stronger. The next relationship will benifit greatly from this experiance. Just remember the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence! BUT" its greener because they feed it more shit and more shit means more cutting! Alot more maintance if you ask me.
If U ever need to talk and Im on feel free. Stand tall,She did You a huge favor!

[peanutpete]

Tom you have had some good advice here it is also true that what ever any one says right now will not help the pain,anger,frustration,,and all the other emotions you fill now i had and i am sure a few more on here had all sorts of comforting words when my marriage broke up time does heal you will meet some one else you will be happy

[Pantomimehorse]

I think you yourself know you have done the right thing, I can't add anything more to what has been said by much wiser blokes than me but I would say take it as a time to enjoy yourself, have a bit of YOU time... been working for me for quite a while now mate

[snooky]

Hi Tom, well you are among friends on this forum, that is the best thing to do, after awhile get out there and enjoy your self with friends, dont go putting your ex down , she'll do that herself. Happened to me after 21 years ,you are only in your twenties, the experience will make you stronger, find new interests , have some fun.All the best