Todays Joke.

[rokkitsci]

Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service :"Hokay. An San toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "San toes. July San toes?"

Guest: "Uhh... I don't think so."

Room Service: "No? Judo one toes?"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."

Room Service: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine." Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We bother?"

Guest: "No. Just put the bother on the side."

Room Service: "Wad?"

Guest: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Sorry?"

Room Service: "Copy...tea...mill?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

Room Service: "One Minnie. Ass strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy... rye?"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

Room Service: "Tendjewberrymud."

Guest: "You're welcome."

[Deano]

lol

[the mothman]

Woman sees a sign in a pet shop window "FANNY LICKING FROG ?25". In she goes and says 'I'd like to see this fanny licking frog' and a man behind the counter says "BONJOUR".

[the mothman]

Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia.
Hwoeevr,tihs is olny in etxreem caess of slef aubse......

[Boss Hog]

I suggested to the wife today we try the new range of Olympic condoms. "What do you fancy? Bronze, Silver or Gold" I asked with a wry smile and a wink.
She replied " Why dont you take Silver and come second for a change!"

[cohibaIV]

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath, a chewed cigar hanging from his mouth and lipstick on his collar. ?I assume,? she snarled, ?that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o?clock in the morning??
?There is,? he replied. ?Breakfast?.

[cohibaIV]

Reasons why Cigars are better than Sex....

Reasons Why Cigars Are Better Than Sex
? You can GET cigars.
? You can safely have cigars while you are driving.
? You can make cigars last as long as you want them to.
? You can have cigars even in front of your mother.
? Two people of the same sex can have cigars without being called nasty names.
? The word ?commitment? doesn?t scare off cigars.
? You can have cigars on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
? You can ask a stranger for a cigar without getting your face slapped.
? You don?t get hairs in your mouth with cigars.
? With cigars there?s no need to fake it.
? Cigars don?t make you pregnant.
? You can have cigars at any time of the month.
? Good cigars are easy to find.
? You can have as many kinds of cigars as you can handle.
? When you have great cigars it doesn?t keep your neighbours awake
? With cigars size doesn?t matter. It?s ALL good!

[cohibaIV]

Cigar Joke..

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding on a train.
The Russian takes out a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says:
?In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away??
Saying that, he goes to a window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. The others are quite impressed.
The Cuban then pulls out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: ?In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world are there such good cigars and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away??
Saying that, he throws the pack of cigars through the window as the Conductor approaches. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
Slowly, the American just stands up, with a superior smile.
He opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it?

[cohibaIV]

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he did not have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
?I sure do,? he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
?Wow!? said his friend, ?Where did you get that monster??
?I got it from my genie.?
?You have a genie?? he asked. ?Yes, he is right here in my golf bag.?
?Could I see him??
He opened his golf bag and out popped the genie. The friend turned to the genie and said,
?I am a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish??
?Yes I will,? the genie said.
?I wish for a million bucks!?
The genie hopped back into the golf bag and left him standing there waiting for his wish to be delivered.
Suddenly the sky began to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead was heard.
The friend turned to his golfing partner, ?I asked for a million bucks not ducks!?
?I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic??

[cohibaIV]

Cigar Joke!!

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, ?One more remark like that and I?ll smash your face in!?

[linfield100]

One afternoon an investment banker was riding in his limousine when he saw two men by the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," he replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well come home with me and I'll feed you," the banker said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the banker replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!

"Bring them all, as well," the banker answered.

They all crowded in the limousine. Once underway, one man turned to the banker and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The banker replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high."

[whisky77]

Dave the hen!

Davethe hen

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Dave , 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter ..'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I hav en't said goodby e to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave , 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave ..

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

' Dave , wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

[the mothman]

Altzheimers Protest March:
"What do we want?"
"We dont know"
"When do we want it?
"Want what?".


The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They have imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the arabs, they claimed they were going to start digging for their own oil !!!!

[Stevieboy]

Not at the mo'

Poor sod!!

W-wor, O-wor, R-wor, Z-wor, E-wor, L-wor!!!

[cj121]

No worries pal! I just thought you were on a natural high of some kind

Not at the mo'