Originally posted by cj121
View Post
-
LOL!!
BTW - does anyone else lot of "" these smileys in CJ's post?!?!? I wonder if it's a Firefox thing!?!
Leave a comment:
-
DIVORCE VS. MURDERffice
ffice" />
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would liketo buy some Cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! Ican't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds ofbad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of herhusband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Leave a comment:
-
Facelift.
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends ?15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks theclerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although,when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands underyour bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, goahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.He bouncesand weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against eachother.?
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't,' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'Leave a comment:
-
Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here!
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn?t swim!"
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"
"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here!
She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave.
Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin' over a beer.
Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...boobies WAY out to here, Dave. Boobies WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat? ' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out...much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her boobies and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and.... She had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG fcking dick!........ and I can't swim Dave! I can't fucking swim man!!!"Leave a comment:
-
Great line for a rainy dayOriginally posted by whisky77 View PostA priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.Leave a comment:
-
Moral
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.Leave a comment:
-
I wish I could do punchline jokes. I'm shit at them because I have a pretty poor memory for this style.
There are some great ones here!
I have this fear of being put on-mic in a busy pub to tell a joke and just dying. That's why I sort of Anuglypta (sic?) a room with stupidity rather than make anyone focus on my hands trying to thread cotton through the eye of a needle in the form of a punchlined joke.
I've done a couple of Best Man floorshows for mates - but I really couldn't tell a joke with a punchline beyond When Is A Door Not A Door?Leave a comment:
-
Questions/Answers
Q: What do you do if your wife strays 10 feet from the kitchen?
A: Show her the way back, she must be lost.
Q: What do you do if your wife strays 10 feet from the kitchen?
A: Shoot the bitch, she's getting away
Q: What do you do if your wife is 5 feet out of the kitchen?
A: Damn! I should've gotten a longer chain
Q: What does WIFE stand for?
A: Washing Ironing Fucking Etc...
Q: What do a woman and a toilet bowls have in common?
A: Without the hole, they're useless
Q: Why are a woman's cootch hole and butt hole so close together?
A: So men can carry them like a sixpack
Q: What's the definition of a woman?
A: Life support for a vagina
Q: Why are woman smarter during sex?
A: They have a genius plugged into them
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't, there's a clock on the oven.
Q: How many men does it take to mop the floor?
A: None, it's a woman's job.
Q: What do ya do when your wife tells you to replace a lightbulb?
A: Screw the bitch, she can do the dishes in the dark.
Q: How are women like a postage stamps?
A: You lick 'em, stick 'em, and send them away.
Q: How are women like floor tiles?
A: You lay 'em once and walk all over them the rest of your life.
Q: What's the extra skin around the vagina called?
A: The woman.
Q: Why do women get periods?
A: They deserve them.
Q: How many men do you need to open a beer can?
A: None, the bitch who brings it should have opened it too.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
A: They don't have balls.
Q: Why do women have orgasms?
A: It gives them something to moan about.
Q: How are women like bowling balls?
A: You finger them, throw 'em down the gutter, and they come back for more...
Q: How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Let the bitch do it by herself.
Q: How do you know if a ship is being captained by a feminist?
A: If the ship starts to sink, she shouts out, "Women the lifeboats!!" and she orders all of the ship's toilet seats nailed down to stop any incoming water.
Q: What is the difference between a terrorist and a PMS woman?
A: You can negotiate with the terrorist.
Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Who cares? What the hell was she doing out of the kitchen?!!
Q: How do you blind a woman?
A: Put a windshield in front of her face.
Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told.
Q: Why do women change their minds so often?
A: To keep them clean.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q: Besides "I love you", what three words does a wife want to hear most?
A: "I'll fix it."
Q: What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?
A: You slap her
Q: What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told her twice
Q: What is the difference between a brick and a woman?
A: A brick doesn't follow you around after you lay it
Q: What do woman and spaghetti have in common?
A: they both squirm when you eat them
Q: Why do women wear white on their wedding day?
A: So they will match the stove and fridge!
Q: Why do they call it PMS?
A: Because Mad Cow disease was already taken
Q: Why haven't women been to the moon ???
A: Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!
Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: They think we care
Q: What's a surefire way to make a woman orgasm?
A: Who the F#@k cares
Q: Did you here they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink
Q: What's the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female?
A: When they remove half the brain.
Q: Did you here that they discovered that there are female hormones in beer?
A: Yeah, apparently they had 100 guys each drink 10 pints of beer. They all started running their mouths and driving lousy.
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
Q: How is a woman like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the crap out of you.
Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?
A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Q: Why were shopping carts invented?
A: To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Q: Do you know what it means when you come home to a little affection, a little tenderness, and a little sympathy?
A: It means you're in the wrong house.
Q: How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
A: She cooks/I eat; she cleans/I dirty; she irons/I wrinkle.
Q: What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
A: 1.No mind. 2.No business.
Q: Why do women have arms?
A: Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?
Q: If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you, what have you usually done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: What do you call a woman with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q:Why do Japanese Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So you can tell them apart from the feminists.
Q: Why did the woman have two black eyes?
A: She had to be told twice.
Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.
Q: How are women like paper cups?
A: Both are disposable.
Q: Why do women like intelligent men?
A: Opposites attract.
Q: What do you call a woman who has lost her mind?
A: A widow.
Q: What do you call a man who loses 150 lbs of useless fat?
A: A divorcee!!
Q: How many women does it take to paint a wall?
A: It depends on how hard you throw them.
Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told!
Q: Why does it take four women with PMS to screw in a lightbuld?
A: Because it does, alright!?!?
Q: What's a mans idea of helping with housework?
A: Lifting up his legs so the woman can vacuum.
Q: Why did God create women?
A: Because a beer can't cook supper!Leave a comment:
-
3 Women and A Magic Lamp
Three women stranded on an island.
One of them finds a magic lamp, rubs it, and a genie pops out.
The genie says, "I will grant you three wishes, and since there are three of you, you each get one wish."
The first woman says to the genie, "I would like to be 10 times smarter than I am right now." And, she builds a ship and sails back home.
So then the next woman says to the genie, "I would like to be 100 times smarter than I am right now." And, she builds a plane and flies back home.
The third woman says to herself, "Ha! This is EASY!" She turns to the genie and says, "I would like to be 1000 times smarter than I am right now!" And, the genie turns her into a man and walks across the bridge.Leave a comment:
Leave a comment: