Todays Joke.

[pligster]

monkey business

Two monkeys in a bath. One says "uh uh ah ah".







The other says "I TOLD you not to put so much hot water in"!

[whisky77]

School

Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?'

Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt' Teacher says 'Badly?'

Little Tommy says ' Yes, they don't f**k about at the crematorium . '

[Boss Hog]

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful .. stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

[the mothman]

Lonely John

John was lonely, so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, (100-leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?'

Silence; there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit; he waited a few minutes, and then asked him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?' Again, there was no answer; nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet. So, he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time. This time, putting his face up against the centipede's house, and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a beer with me?
************************************************** *******

A little voice came out of the box: ?I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f * cking shoes on! ?



1. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and creates an air lock) .

[cj121]

Brilliant that Mr. O, Mr M posted it up recently. Class.

[Mr Omneo]

not a joke as such, but a very amusing video

Language is a bit fruity so you may not wanna listen at work or around innocent ears

[whisky77]

Tickets.

LOL. Had me going too Craig. I was donning my flat cap and high viz jacket with a view to staking the fair out that's in town

I have already sent away for a ticket issuing machine.

[cj121]

LOL. Had me going too Craig. I was donning my flat cap and high viz jacket with a view to staking the fair out that's in town

[whisky77]

Hook, line, and sinker.

Great story, but sadly untrue Craig

Lookyhere

Had me hook, line, and sinker CJ.

Cheers for the link mate.Now i can email my mate and tell him he`s an arse.

[Stevieboy]

Great story, but sadly untrue Craig

Lookyhere

Shame it's not true...

[cj121]

Great story, but sadly untrue Craig

Lookyhere

[whisky77]

Zoo carpark.

This was sent by a friend who lives way down near Bristol.I thought it was a great story.Only wish i had thought of something like that myself.

From this week's Bristol Evening Post:

Outside Bristol Zoo is the car park, with spaces for 150 cars and 8 coaches. It has been manned 6 days a week for 23 years by the same charming and very polite car park attendant with the ticket machine. The charges are ?1. per car and ?5. per coach.

On Monday 1 June, he did not turn up for work. Bristol Zoo management phoned Bristol City Council to ask them to send a replacement parking attendant.

The Council said "That car park is your responsibility." The Zoo said "The attendant was employed by the City Council... wasn't he?" The Council said "What attendant?"

Gone missing from his home is a man who has been taking daily the car park fees amounting to about ?400. per day for the last 23 years...!

Total sum 2.9 million!!

[daverave999]

Loving some of these.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

[Stevieboy]

That's bloody brilliant Rokk!!! Brilliant LOL

Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service :"Hokay. An San toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "San toes. July San toes?"

Guest: "Uhh... I don't think so."

Room Service: "No? Judo one toes?"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."

Room Service: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine." Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We bother?"

Guest: "No. Just put the bother on the side."

Room Service: "Wad?"

Guest: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Sorry?"

Room Service: "Copy...tea...mill?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

Room Service: "One Minnie. Ass strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy... rye?"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

Room Service: "Tendjewberrymud."

Guest: "You're welcome."

[nicwing]

I've stayed there!